a 3-way standoff between a duck with a laser pointer, a cat with a vacuum cleaner, and a dog with a loaf of bread
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You: My kid loves piano
My kid: *licking the piano keys*
Me: Same
My cat slept on the couch last night so I guess that means we’re fighting
UNHAND ME
Wait
how many?
What kind of rifle do comedians use?
JK47’s.
Shoot me.
[painfully braiding my jellyfish] but not having you as a friend would hurt more
Me: Let’s go to Chipotle
Justin: Hold on. My leg is asleep
Me: *whispering* Oh, sorry. Let’s go to Chipotle
[posing nude]
ME: make sure to capture all of my body’s contours
DMV GUY: again, this is entirely inappropriate for a license photo
parents: a large old man with white hair is going to break into the house while you’re sleeping and give you toys
kids: oh worddddd
My son had to pick his towel up off the floor today. Apparently he’s forced to do everything around here.
We have to operate now
if the cancer spreads anymore you won’t be able to tell the difference between people & food
“Are you nuts?”
Dear God
I’ve known my drug dealer since I was this high.
My teen son told me that he plans on talking like Chewbacca if a teacher calls on him today, so I guess I better start practicing my Wookiee for that parent teacher phone call later today.
we can cancel Times Square we’ve dropped the ball all year.
[At a bar]
Guy: Did it hurt?
Me: What?
G: When you fell walking in. I saw you fall on your face. Everyone saw.
Me (naked): This feels amazing.
My boss: Maybe you should take the day off.
[First Date]
Me: “I’m sorry. It’s just that I’ve been burned before.”
*Stuffs handful of fries through visor in hazmat suit
*Closes visor
I think I’m a good looking guy from a distance.
As long as that distance is 300 miles.
if you have a cat tell them i said pspspsps
Marriage Tip: Always be dumber than your spouse at math so you don’t have to help your kid with his math homework.
Alligators sewing little pictures of rich white people on their shirts.
Dear Coworker, If I’m nodding my head & smiling at everything you’ve said, this means I’m fantasizing about getting banged by David Beckham.
I am grateful for the canned, boxed, frozen dinners my parents provided. BUT my favorite thing about having worked in kitchens for years and having the time and ability to cook great, from-scratch meals for my children is when they say, “Ugh! Can’t we just order pizza!?!”
My dad called and asked which brand of bourbon I would be most thankful for next week.
My mom must have sent him grocery shopping.
Remember fellas, always take comfort in the fact that most hot girls are a fuckin pain in the arse
Why is my body letting me get a cold?
I gave it an orange only last week….
People used to dress as monsters for Halloween. Now they dress as characters from shows you don’t watch.
[Divorce court]
Judge: The reason you’re divorcing is “he’s annoying?”
Wife: He pronounces “yikes” like “Nike”
J: Baliff, throw him in jail
Family: What do you want to do for Mother’s Day?
All Moms: Not have to decide what we are doing for Mother’s Day, for starters.
me: do you guys still give lollipops after sticking in the needle?
drug dealer: what?