Teacher: Write what you know.
Student: *writes “what you know.”*
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My doctor told me to try a milk bath. Adding the Cinnamon Toast Crunch was my idea
Making milkshakes because I need help with my yard work.
Girls adore it when you guess their weight as they walk by.
NO CONDOM FOREVER! or whatever tf black panther said
If it’s so good why can’t I find a single car wash that carries the Brazilian wax thingy you guys keep tweeting about?
Don’t you hate it when you’re planning someone’s funeral, and they ruin it by coming into the room and talking to you?
COP: Where were you the night of the murder?
CROW: I was with a group of friends
COP: What would you call that group?
CROW: …I want a lawyer
I’m not saying I’m the best husband, but I did perfectly time placing my dirty dish in the sink just as my wife was finishing up washing the dishes.
colleague: do u like the clown from IT?
me: nah he never fixes my computer
Who called it raising pigs for meat and not Mama, just killed a ham?
@funTweeters
For “Mean Tweets”Oh I see now, those aren’t your measurements, it’s the fluctuations in your IQ score!
“This isn’t my first rodeo.” He said, confidently. “Now help me get on this pointy cow.”
I didn’t come here to be called names
I received a survey for a conference I didn’t attend, so I completed it as if I had attended and the conference had been attacked by dragons.
I cannot stop thinking about how the director of Con Air’s previous directing credit was 10 years earlier and it was the music video for Rick Astley’s Never Gonna Give You Up.
HER: (touching my chest) What a fascinating tattoo…
ME: Thanks. I was carrying a squid and a porcupine, and I tripped.
Someone just quote tweeted me to call me pretentious, but they misspelled it. I’d correct them but…
[First day as villain]
Me: [Emails a co worker and then calls them about it immediately]
For Lent I’ve decided to give up my New Year’s Resolutions, now pass the Girl Scout Cookies.
The cashier told me to have a good holiday like my purchase of oven cleaner, cat treats, and hummus suggests anything else.
*At Super Bowl Party*
Hey baby, they’ve got a WHOLE bunch of shrimp here, did you bring the big purse?
I’m disgusted by the amount of nudity on Netflix these days. There’s hardly any. What am I even paying for?
hey it’s me, the girl who just googled “chemistry alphabet” when i meant “periodic table”
A rat followed me home in a dark street in DC, so I pretended I was on the phone with an exterminator
Find yourself a partner who’ll sneak out of bathroom windows with you at holiday parties.
Lo AND behold? in this economy?
Flex on a demon by possessing it first.
Just got off the phone with my mom. She had a nice talk.
The best thing about parenting babies and toddlers is that you can dress them up as like, a croissant for Halloween, they don’t give a shit.
Batman: I’m the world’s greatest detective, you’ll never stump me
Riddler: what’s your secret identity
Batman: Bruce Wayne you idiot
Riddler:
Batman: you absolute fool