THERAPIST: What do u wish for?
WIFE [smiles at me] That we regain the passion & intimacy of our early years together
ME: A penguin butler
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My friend was like, the flies are SO BAD this year. And I was like, the flies ain’t gettin’ nothin’ for Christmas.
A study was just published that shark attacks happen most often in water. Now I have to worry about the ones that occur elsewhere.
When I win the lottery I’m getting a pool boy, maybe I’ll even get a pool.
A fortnight is equal to 14 nights. Unless you live in a fort; it is equal to one night. Fort math is only complicated to non-fort dwellers.
We go together like unprotected eyes and a lab accident.
Even the great philosophers made mistakes. Aristotle, for example, believed that groove was in the brain.
waffles are just pancakes that ran into the screen porch door at full speed.
I got a pet hyena because someone has to laugh at my tweets…
Everyone is always doing laundry
*changes name to laundry
ALADDIN: i can show you the world
JASMINE: wat why. do u kno that there are people out there. why do u think we live ina palace. no thank u
Did you know statistically you’re more likely to be killed by a coconut falling from a tree than by a coconut stabbing you with a breadknife
Wife just fell off the bed and I laughed so hard that I’ll be sleeping on the couch tonight.
You tell me to “walk a mile in your shoes” but the second I break into your house to steal your shoes, you call the cops. Make up your mind.
2: What’s for dinner?
Me: Pork, rice and peas.
2: No, what’s for MY dinner?
Me: That is YOUR dinner.
2: Then what am I going to eat?
Me: I just told you.
2: But I’m hungry!
The asteroid..
Before college I didn’t have a degree, or money, or any idea what I was doing with my life. But NOW I have a degree.
Vet: “I can see the head…
…here’s the neck…
…more neck…
…more neck…
…neck…
…neck…
…neck…
…still more neck…
…neck…
…it’s a giraffe!”
Imagine your life revolving solely around a napping and snacking schedule and still being mad all the time.
Get it together, toddlers.
Got to my dad’s house and he was showing me all the food he has for me to snack on and he goes “and I have a guacamole ball” what’s a guacamole ball you ask? well I will tell you. an avocado. He has an avocado.
It’s important when dieting to reward yourself and take a break. Then, when you return to your diet a decade later you’re all set to go
It’s not illegal to convince your child that she is the only person who can see the sun and must never talk about it.
[first day as detective]
Me: looks like he was shot in the head
Partner: any sign of forced entry?
Me [pointing at bullet wound]: well yeah
I call my job ‘Workle’ because it usually takes me 4 to 6 tries to get anything done.
My wife is the most beautiful, intelligent person standing right behind me reading my Twitter feed.
Give a man a fish and he will eat for a day but teach a man to phish and he will steal your social security # so click here to verify your account.
she is beauty, she is grace
she crams french fries in her face
Out of all the places I could choose, a music festival would have to be my favourite place to perspire with 10,000 strangers.
I had to Stop for this
[explaining the plot of my favorite book to my date]
me: so you know how most caterpillars are only a little hungry?
You guys talk about sex like it’s so great. I had sex once and she made me take off my jean jacket. Just not worth it.