16: ‘What’s an inheritance tax?’
Me: ‘Nothing you need to be concerned about.’
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Will I understand F-35 if I haven’t seen F-1 thru F-34?
Today, I saw a sign outside a dental office that said “We do our business in your mouth” and I haven’t stopped laughing.
Damn, it wouldn’t even have OCCURED to me to say, “E Tu, Brute?”
I would’ve just been SCREAMING
Tequila be like “I know a spot” then take you here
I am eternally grateful that Twitter doesn’t have an “is online now” indicator
WIFE: Ok *deep sigh* why are you in the bathtub w/ a horse?
ME: [soaping behind Mr Butters’ ears] It’s called a stable relationship, Thelma
I bet most people learn their neighbor kid’s name not by proper introduction, but by the parents yelling it in a loud voice over & over.
Does beer think about me too?
If I were Noah, I’d be grabbing two of every bottle of alcohol
I feel like before a bee stings a human, all his dumb bee friends are like “you can totally take him.”
Dear Lord,
Thank you for these noodles I’m about to eat and the good deal I got buying them in bulk at Costco. RA-MEN!
Me: Shhh, your brother is still sleeping.
4yo: *runs upstairs
CRASH
JUMP
“Wake up!”
SLAM
*runs back downstairs
“No, he’s not.”
me: hate mechanics who talk down to me
also me: this guy is perfect
How many boxes of Girl Scout cookies are in a serving?
Teenaged girls post pics of their bodies and they’re ‘sexy.’
I post pics of my bodies and I’m a ‘Serial Killer.’
Duolingo is the only app I have where I can safely avoid Succession spoilers
Salad is the decaf of food.
I can’t come into work today *cough* I’m really sick.
“Do I hear Mario Kart in the background?”
*hangs up*
I’ll never invest my money in Facebook, mostly because it’s the place where people I went to high school with own pretend farms.
[ from bed ]
*accio coffee*
damnit it didn’t work again
I hate people who make grandma mistakes.
“Don’t you mean grammar mistakes?”
*Slaps green Jello out from her hand*
I know what I said.
Just been on a date with a dentist. It went well and she says she’d like to see me again in six months.
90’s style insults need to come back.
Been itching to tell someone they need to go to the clue store to get one.
If anyone deserves an Oscar, it’s me for nodding and pretending to understand the directions you’re explaining to me when I know I’m going to use Google Maps regardless
Twinkle twinkle little whore, close your legs they’re not a door.
Hey people who don’t understand sarcasm, what’s it like being so awesome?
*Beethoven & orchestra take stage*
HECKLER: (chanting) Ode to Joy! Ode to Joy!
Beethoven: –we’re gonna play some new stuff
HECKLER: boooo
we’re dead?
A friend said she thinks she should buy her teen a chastity belt. I said try perming her bangs, that worked well for me when I was younger.
Excited for Game of Thrones tonight because it’ll be nice to see civilized political discourse for a change.