Imagine how stupid you’d feel if you pitched “Yabba dabba doo” at that early Flintstones meeting and it didn’t hit
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Decided not to have kids after spending the weekend with my little niece who only wanted to eat the “inside of a pancake”
If you’re ever attacked by a mob of angry clowns…
…go for the juggler.
If Iron Man and the Man of Steel were to team up, they’d be powerful alloys.
Me: I’m not wearing a mask. It’s ineffective and it’s just a way for the government to silence me
Scuba diving instructor: fine
Just got my second Covid vax. So now I’m going to need another excuse for why I’m not having sex.
me: uhhh what did you do?
9: [frantically trying to wash his blue colored hands] nothing. I did nothing!
*nose hairs growing out of control
*buys tiny scissors
*jam them in the eyes of whoever I catch staring at my nose hairs
Just once I want to wake up to something exciting.
*Wakes up next to spider crawling on pillow.
Take one positive friend and one negative friend with you on your next road trip. That way when your battery dies, you can hook cables to them and start your car
Saw a homeless guy this mornin’ he said, “Any change?” Me, “Nope, you’re still cold and homeless.” We laughed & laughed & he stabbed me.
Cop: Are you drunk or high on drugs? Me: No officer. Cop: Your pupils are dilated. Me: (Paranoid) WHA!, how’d you know I teach fat kids?!
*stares into distance*
Distance: Please stop staring. It’s rude.
I’VE SEEN SOME SHIT MAN
A great way to grow your account is to run your phone through a paper shredder.
“My safe word was Worcestershire.”
— A ghost
My husband fears a meat shortage and had $400 worth delivered. In order to fit it into the freezer, I had to eat all the ice cream. Who knew I was capable of such self-sacrifice?
Ever notice you can hardly touch something that just came off a grill, but yet a fly can land on that MFer like its room temperature?
Me: I wish I had a nickname.
Coworker: You do.
Him: What time are you picking up the kids?
Me: I’ll leave as soon as I rinse the blood off my car.
Him: What?
Me: What? *click*
[tasting wine]
ah yes, good nose, medium bodied & saucy, racy acidity, robust tannins, hint of dark currant, but vodka still exists so literally none of this matters
“I Wish I Had Her Skin!”
– Teenage Girls & Serial Killers
her: why are u breaking up with me
me: *changing PowerPoint slides* I’ll take questions at the end Jen
Depression ads overestimate my need to hike.
Someone asked me today what was the toughest thing about being a parent. I would have to say it’s the kids.
ME: well well well, look who’s about to make a killing
MURDERER: [just stabs me even harder]
If your date asks what you do for a living, just say “You let me worry about that.”
– What have you come as?
– A Werewolf.
– But… they’re your normal clothes.
– It’s not a full moon.
I just ‘borrowed’ $20 from my teenage daughter.
She’s such an idiot.
i always see couples holding hands but how do you become part of a couple? do you just leave your hand out and if someone holds it, you’re a couple
*Death comes for me but is once again fooled by my false moustache*