I asked my hairdresser which kind of cut would make me look good.
A powercut wasn’t the answer I was hoping for…
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My husband gives people the thumbs down instead of flicking them off from the car. He reports that the thumbs down makes people even more mad.
I told someone I was 30 and they said “that’s okay.”
That second remote is only useful for that one button on it which you push to switch from the first remote to the third remote.
Bailiff: State your name for the court
Hr: Clara Sofía Alba Constanza Guadalupe…
Judge: That’s enough I want to get out of here b4 lunch!
The best way to watch the MTV Music Video Awards is to turn on the TV and turn the channel to MTV and then go outside and set your house on fire.
I really like your LED headlights can I look at them with my hammer
Sometimes I think my neighbor down the street has pretty good taste when it comes to suits, as I try one on. At other times I think he needs a better home security system
[as i’m getting buried alive by a serial killer] wait stop who’s gonna feed my tamagotchis
[ IDEA ]
An alarm clock where Samuel Jackson just keeps yelling at you until you get up
[driving test]
INSTRUCTOR: Any initial concerns?
ME: Volcanoes
I: About the test?
M: No
I: Ok then let’s go
M: *drives into active volcano*
Interviewer: your resume says you’re very literal
Me: my resume talks??
Doesn’t get paid: has popcorn and vodka martinis for dinner.
Gets paid: has popcorn and raspberry vodka martinis for dinner.
this royal photo stuff… funny how you all suddenly feel like you have a license to talk about women’s bodies… newsflash: some women have zippers in their hair. some women’s legs are too small and oddly bent in on themselves. some women don’t have reflections
[sex in car]
ME: Remember when you could do this without fear of strangers watching?
BF: Yes
UBER DRIVER: Would you like a water?
Marriage: When dating goes too far.
*Death comes for me but is once again fooled by my false moustache*
Whenever I think I’m having a bad day I think about the time I ran a half marathon and at the starting line all my music mysteriously disappeared and I had to listen to Sugar by Maroon 5 for 13.1 miles
Her: but why aren’t the candles ON the cake?
Me: it’s not a birthday cake, Denise. it’s a summoning tart.
Hey Twitter, you get a new comic EARLY
I have never related to a cat more
Sure I get excited when he unzips his pants. I’m pretending it’s the sound of his body bag.
Rose: Paint me like your French girls.
Jack: With armpit hair?
ME: *throwing up gang signs*
FRIEND: Dude, how many did you eat?
“The three ingredients found in every kitchen.” This recipe is making some fancy assumptions about my kitchen.
Neighbor: Careful, the stairs are slippery tonight
Me, starfished at the bottom of the stairs: Good to know, thank you
Just once, I’d like to see a judge take the verdict slip from the jury, look at it, and then turn and say,
ARE YOU SHIT’N ME?
*arrives in Las Vegas for first time at age 36*
Me: (in taxi on the Strip) Oh hell yes there’s a Walgreens AND a CVS next to my hotel.
People r afraid of boogers. I bet u could rob a bank with a booger! Folks in the bank would back up! Police would be puzzled tho: A Bogger?!
Password insecurity questions:
1. What was your highschool nickname? 2. How would you describe your breath? 3. What’s wrong with your toes?
me: here’s a glass of ice, ma’am
girl: i asked for water
me: patience, Linda