You can only be young once, but you can be immature forever.
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Co-worker: I know I’m not everyone’s cup of tea…
Me: Yeah, you’re my glass of ipecac.
Massaging the shoulders of the person in front of you at the Redbox machine will usually help them make up their mind faster.
Fool me once shame on you. Fool me twice shame on me. Try to fool me three times, I bite you
If your twitter husband commits twittercide does that make you a twidow?
Asking for a friend.
Women are like bacon: we look good, we smell good, we taste good and we will slowly kill you.
Opened the lint filter on my dryer after washing my dog’s bedding and another dog fell out.
If I don’t introduce you to the person I’m with it’s because I don’t remember either of your names.
White people don’t dance at concerts so they can save all their energy for the “Woo!” at the end of a song.
My dad asked Alexa to turn on the lights and she started singing “Old MacDonald” instead
This makes the third woman in the house who won’t listen to him
“dogs are better than cats they crap outside” yeah except if my cat has to crap at 1am he can just go but if my dog needs to I gotta get up out of bed and let him out like that is not superior
When I said ‘You can’t buy my love.’
I meant with your salary.
Couldn’t afford a man cave. Had to settle for a gazebro
“Just the tip,” I whisper seductively to the pizza delivery guy, hoping he fulfills my fantasy of not charging me for the pizza.
*sharpens claws of two dozen lobsters*
*sets loose in back yard*
*never mows again*
*approaches pond*
*water recedes*
*turns away*
*water returns*
What the ??
*approaches pond*
*water recedes*
Oh, I see. This is a coy pond.
The courtroom I’m in this morning is astonishingly relaxed, and the judge looks like a kid cosplaying as a judge. Doogie Howser, J.D.
*puts seashell up to ear*
Me: I think I can hear the ocea-
Seashell: Seven days. You will die in seven days.
Me: (to friend) It’s for you.
I think my neighbor is trying to domesticate a coyote.
You can also leave cabbage rolls you couldn’t finish at any fire station. Anything swaddled really.
Someone die? Time to get high!
Come on down to Barry’s Death Emporium where we put the FUN in funeral and the RAVE in grave!
(BYO shovel)
As I get older I realize my eyesight is not what it used to be.
I saw ‘whole eggs’ and read it as ‘whale eggs’ and for a minute I thought “whales lay eggs?”
Cheer up everybody, only 8 more days until the weekend.
I refuse to allow anyone to drive me crazy. My GPS says it’s within walking distance.
Drive down the middle of my street and make me squeeze by you, so I know who to murder first when the apocalypse hits.
I saved a ton of money on cool sports cars, vacation getaways and NFL season tickets by having children.
Me: *screaming along to death-metal*
My child, who I forgot was in the car:
a bug flew in my mouth today and that’s probably the healthiest thing I’ve eaten all week
He may not be a 10 but he covers his food when he puts it in the microwave
Me: *wolf whistles*
The worst thing about that mime stealing my woman was when he silently laughed at me
I was in a district team building meeting today and everyone had to say something they loved. They chose me first and I said vintage Pyrex and the leader said “not your husband or kids?” and this is a level of awkward I’d not experienced yet in life