Snakes are terrifying because they can’t trip and fall over shit. No creature should possess such power.
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Dear whatever doesn’t kill me. I’m strong enough now. Thanks.
Today i convinced my brother for a full minute that the Beatles wrote “blackbird” about Batman
OK. Hear me out. We are acquiring way too many of these and you’re not good at keeping them dusted anyway. So, let’s just dump EVERYONE’S cremated remains into this big one and clear up some table space.
Dads love inspecting a small injury like a splinter and saying “looks like we’ll have to amputate”.
I’m not wrong
In a cementary, I saw a guy crouching behind a tombstone. Morning, I said. No, he said, just taking a dump… .
Friend is a masseuse. Her speakers broke so she told client she can’t play any music, jokingly offered to sing for him instead. He said, “Just whale song or something will be fine”. Omg. She made whale noises for a full 15 minutes before he got up and complained to her manager
water solves a lot of problems.
want to lose weight? drink more water
having a bad day? take a shower
tired of someone’s bullshit? drown them
I wouldn’t mind being put on hold so much if companies programmed in a jukebox so I could pick the music I listen to while I wait
reading a book about blimps and every other sentence is like “unfortunately there was a 10 mph crosswind and the blimp exploded”
10yo all day Sunday: I’M SO BOOOOORED
10yo at 10pm Sunday night: *Has never been busier in her entire decade of life*
Me: [buys six boxes of Girl Scout Cookies outside store]
[Later]
Me [walking into house]: Hey I bought a box of Girl Scout cookies.
Are we done? Can we go?
-A memoir.
*leads a conga line off of a bridge
I bought the wrong kind of compass. Now I’m lost in the middle of nowhere drawing perfect circles.
Millennials hate visitors but love having the most advanced doorbell money can buy.
I didn’t like you in high school, I don’t like you now. #WhyIDontUseFacebook
If I see under 30s getting married, I want to kiss them for their optimism and punch them for their stupidity.
Person: I evaluate the efficacy of new medications
Me: *nodding* a curator
when i die i wanna come back as a gerbil because they’re so cuddly and are notoriously vindictive, grudge-holding creatures
what is your most benign unpopular opinion? i don’t mean like “the earth is flat” type of unpopular opinion, i mean like “I think golden retrievers are annoying” unpopular opinion
“I wonder what’s on tv right now,” he thought 2002ishly.
In Germany Die Hard is called The Hard
People say having no friends as a child is bad but if I did have friends back then I would never have invented the frisbeerang.
Text your husband “I know your secret” and he’ll bring you home so many awesome presents!
You don’t even need to know what the secret is!
People who say I’m hard to shop for obviously didn’t see how excited I just got finding an almond on the couch.
date: your glasses make you look smart
me: well i had to fail a test to get them so
My wife’s celebrity “free pass” is Paul Rudd, and mine is my wife because yah right like I’m gonna walk into *that* propeller blade.
I won’t believe Johnny Depp is engaged until I’ve seen he’s put a ring, 90 bracelets, 7 scarves, a fedora and an ugly pair of glasses on it.
My husband thinks I’ve been on my phone checking the weather for the last 3500 hours