a fun wedding bit is to sit next to a random guest, point to the bride or groom & whisper, “it should’ve been you”
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God: LET THERE BE LIGHT.
Light: Let there be light what?
God: LET THERE BE LIGHT… PLEASE.
bro what is going on at twitter
Bought a dozen stamps today so my kids can expect 11 stamps as part of their inheritance
I hired a nanny to watch my kids. Little did she know they were just two sacks of potatoes. When I got home I accused her of witchcraft.
I’m told I look very good for a man twice my age.
[I open my lunchbox to find pair of wife’s underwear]
But that means…
[Cut to my wife opening her lunchbox to find a pair of my underwear]
me: let’s do the sexy time!
wife: did you get your chores done?
me: *kicking dirt* no I still need to vacuum
Saw a deer in our yard & I know it’s not a big deal but before moving our only yard wildlife was a family of city opossums & our dogs kept bringing the babies playing-dead in the house & I had to remove a lot of not-dead opossums cuz my husband is a chicken
So…a deer was nice
It’s dumb to call the Super Bowl winner “World” Champions. With all these UFOs they should be called Intergalactic Champions
As a fan of Dirty Dancing I can only hope that when we go on holiday one of my daughters sleeps with a middle aged dance instructor.
a couple months ago i had a plumber come to my house and he spent the whole time talking about how he was also justin bieber’s plumber and then he broke both of my toilets which begs the question: does justin bieber have working plumbing?
Not arguing with people in 2024, I’m just gonna say “it makes sense that you would think that”
Whenever someone jokingly replies, “Blocked,” I laugh and laugh and then go check.
if food packaging listed side effects like drug labels do:
ice cream: intense pleasure followed by self loathing
kale: smug sense of superiority
bacon: bacon
Dogs are too pure for this world 🥺🥺
#goldenretriever #dogs
“In my years of practice I’ve done the same man’s divorce 3 times, twice from the same wife.”
New client, “So you’re saying there’s hope?”
They say New Zealand has a sheep population of over 60 million
How did they stay awake to figure THAT one out?
My niece thinks she’s more mature than me because she listens to Beethoven.
His movies sucked plus why would I wanna listen to dog music?
Italians, look away now.
I break my spaghetti in half before I cook it.
[describing criminal to sketch artist] He had the damp chest of a man with an excessive lisp. He was eating a newspaper.
My 5 stages of grief:
1.
2.
3.
4.
5. Are you gonna eat that?
I shot a man in Reno,
Just to watch him cry.It was just a Nerf gun you big baby!
Boss: Did you take Mike’s stapler and leave a note demanding that he meet you for drinks later?
Me: WHAT!?! Noooo….wait, did he say yes?
“You know who James Earl Jones looks like? William Shatner. Or Katy Perry.”
– My kid, who has apparently seen none of these people
If God judges me solely on my twenties, I’ll be going to hell in at least five different religions.
Amazon Prime: Free 2-Day shipping
Amazon Subprime: Loads package into trebuchet and shoots it in the general direction of your house
Amazon PrimePrime: Lets you live in the warehouse
My wife told me not to say anything about her friend’s lazy eye so I made sure to give numerous compliments on her super-athletic one.
A wet beach towel will dry in about 30 minutes in the sun or 36 weeks in a hotel room.
If I ever find a dead body while I’m hiking I’m gonna be like finally
My 4 year old thought it was pretty cool that Simba could do whatever he wanted after Mufasa died. This is concerning.