Tried to text “playa” but it changed it to “player”
I must have the white iPhone.
You Might Also Like
I made my son a grilled cheese with three pieces of cheese and he said that’s too much cheese.
Now my wife is mad at ME for ordering a DNA test.
[christmas]
BROTHER: [unwraps giant foam hulk hands] Awesome!
ME: [unwraps Mark Ruffalo hands] This sucks.
Shoot for the moon. Even if you miss… but you won’t miss.
You’ve trained your whole life for this.
Take the shot.
Kill the moon.
nothing is certain but death, taxes, and that if anyone criticizes a billionaire online, a bunch of weird little freaks will emerge from the sewer and jump to his defense for some reason
Science in 140. Carbon. A nonmetallic, tetravalent element which forms the basis of all known life, the result of unprotected carbon dating.
Bakery worker: Can I get you something?
Me: [staring at case full of pies] No thanks, I’m just window eating.
Me: If I had a superpower, what would it be?
6YO: Being nice. Not yelling.
Me: Really?
6YO: Oh, I thought it was like which ones did you need.
Me:*opens mouth*
Husband: Don’t. You’re the adult.
Took over 70 days of quarantine but we finally got that roll of Christmas wrapping paper from behind the bedroom door put away.
Thanks for the awesome options, autocorrect
For my 40th birthday present, my husband replaced a pan that he broke and that’s how I know he’ll never be able to leave me for another woman
“People are acting crazy” says the interviewed shopper with the shopping cart piled high.
Plot twist
*Where do YOU see ME in 5 years..
[1st day as an animal researcher]
*tagging a bear*
Me: you’re it
I don’t care what the scale says.
I know it’s time to start exercising if a wolf tries to huff & puff & blow my house down.
Shout out to Clifford the Big Red Dog. He coulda eaten those kids a long time ago
My Fitbit was delivered today. It’s still sitting in the mailbox because I don’t want to walk all the way out there.
8YR OLD: dad, why do spiders not stick to their own webs?
ME: [remembering I asked the same question when I was smoking pot at a party in college] are…are you high right now?
I remember when Dulux were just a small company selling paint brushes. Now they’re hue mongers!
How Stella Got Her Goat Back #ReplaceAMovieTitleWithGoat
there are five seasons: reese’s pumpkin season, reese’s christmas tree season, reese’s heart season, reese’s egg season, and the long loneliness
Him: I’m attracted to bad girls
Me: *changes lanes without signaling*
No one likes my practical joke of licking all the spoons in their house at 3am and that’s why I need my feelings journal today
Netflix needs a notification that says ‘Do you want to watch something or not?’ for when couples are taking too long to decide
I wear a ski mask to bed so if there’s a home invasion the intruder will think I’m part of the team.
I met my amazing husband in my 30s on OkCupid and you can too! I don’t think he ever deleted his profile
Found a YouTube channel that’s just French women smoking cigarettes so this is my last tweet.
coworker:
[points at my flip flops]
You know it’s going to rain today, right?!me:
[looks up]
Oh thank god! We have a ceiling here at work!
I’m not going to make my daughter choose a religion, I’ll explain the differences & when the time comes she can choose either Marvel or DC.
girls don’t even dress up for Halloween, they just put a black outfit and choose between devil horns or cat ears
“Sorry, are you…?”
“Oh… no! No, I’m not, sorry…”
“Ah! That’s ok, haha, thanks, sorry”
“Sorry”Transcript of a Brit asking another Brit if they’re in the queue