Hey chicks who wear a buttload of make-up. Don’t borrow someone else’s iPhone to make a call. You leave half of your face on the screen.
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Feeling sorry for cannibals who are social distancing.
No handshakes…
just cold shoulders.
If you can’t remember my name, just say ‘donuts’. I’ll turn around and look.
Bought the cheapest possible Mercedes yesterday ’cause I needed to use the bathroom at the dealership.
[at doctor]
can u cough for me please?
*coughs*
again please
*coughs*
i see i see. i’m afraid you have a cough
I now have so many pet peeves that I’ve had to hire someone to walk them during the day.
scrabbled eggs
Anyone who thinks children are not just tiny criminals has never been shaken down for a dollar at 6:30 am
Waiter: can I take your order?
Me: [clutching my Amazon package] you most certainly CANNOT
Are racist people like “ugh, my open minded uncle is going to be at Thanksgiving this year.”
where’s Godzilla when we need him
I’m an Easter egg in the streets and a deviled egg in the sheets.
Charlie: I can’t believe you’re giving me the whole chocolate factory
Wonka: Yup, all of it. Starting with these four law suits
Nothing is guaranteed to be less funny than when an NPR host says, “You know, it’s funny…”
Cilantro tastes like soap.
– People who eat soap, apparently
Iron Man: I’ll hack into their security.
Hulk: HULK SMASH DOOR!
Thor: I’ll silence their guards.
Captain America: What’s a microwave?
First rule of Crocs club is no women allowed.
Women: You didn’t need that rule.
Your reply guys are like Pooh Bear. They wear no pants and are relentlessly trying to get in your honeypot.
every 5 year old named Khaleesi is about to get a little brother named Zelenskyy
ex: do you still have feelings for me?
me: yes.
disgust.
Son: Daddy are we poor?
Me: *scraping his macaroni art into stove pan* Did your mother tell you that?
Who called it a yes man and not an indulge gent
[First date stroll in the park]
Me: So you work at the planetarium?
Date: Yeah.
Me: Thats so cool *points to the sky* What’s that constellation called?
Date: The sun.
maybe my uterus is haunted, or maybe there’s an actual shark up there
Judge: Your word is “Behemoth”
Contestant: Can you use it in a sentence please?
Me: *knocking judge out of the way* Half nocturnal, flying insect. Half human. Be he moth or be he man?!
Other judge: Security
Me: THE WORLD DESERVES TO SEE MY FILM!!
Kids: Why does dad still have to go to work if this virus thing is so serious?
Him: I’ve been working from home this whole week
Me: They haven’t looked up from their iPads since Monday
[job interview]
Panel: We’re looking for someone with intensity, focus, passion and drive
Me: *adjusting volume on Ipod* sorry what?
ME: can i start digging?
SOCIETY: wtf no that’s grave robbing
[waits an hour]
ME: how about now?
SOCIETY: ok now it’s archaeology
[walks into living room and sees a stranger is sitting on the couch]
Me: WHO ARE YOU AND WHAT DO YOU WANT?!
14 yo son: I came downstairs to see if dinner is ready.
Kind of cruel how preschool and the Muffin Man teach girls that they might one day find a guy made entirely out of muffins.