I would thrive as a castle guard. Leaning on my spear. Leering at wenches. Move along. Hail citizen. Halt. And so on
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I always thought a chickpea was just when girls go to the bathroom in groups.
Insurance company: We need you to fax us the paperwork.
Me: Sure. Let me jump in my DeLorean and drive back to 1987.
Target can refuse you a job, but they can’t stop you from asking the guests in dressing rooms if everything’s fitting ok
Flung my bra across the room and it sailed right into the drawer, if any of you are looking to start a basketball team that uses bras.
When my wife wants my opinion, she’ll give it to me.
I’m the most spontaneous person in the world when it comes to making a decision to stay at home.
my landlord charged a pet fee for the ants in my kitchen. i need $48,000,000 by friday or im evicted. how did he count them they are so fast
I’VE GOT GOATLIKE SPEED & REFLEXES
“Don’t you mean catlike-”
BAAAH [Climbs on top of roof and begins eating shingles]
Running down the street dragging an entire bank behind me because I stole one of those pens attached to the little silver chain
She left me because I am insecure.
No wait, she’s back.
She just went to get a glass of water.
I could host an elegant dinner party, but I don’t know enough people with simmering tension over long-held secrets to make it worthwhile.
I do not envy the youth. Imagine starting college in the year 2022: you’re totally pumped, can’t wait for the best 4 years of your life, and then you find out….your roommate is really into crypto.
I don’t understand why you’re all so down on marriage. You get a 50% chance of unplugging someone’s life support. That’s the real American dream.
*summoning demonic forces to overthrow the zoo employees*
[ from bed ]
*accio coffee*
damnit it didn’t work again
“Are you sexually ac-” [my doctor looks up at me] [he marks no]
For once in my life, I’d just want to feel wanted; even if it means robbing a bank.
My wife asked me why I was doing the dishes while sitting down.
Told her it’s because I can’t stand doing it.
Yeah, I know what my neighbors wear to bed. Not because I look in their windows; I just see them during the day at Walmart.
Some church people knocked on my door and said they wanted to tell me about the afterlife. I told them I’m trying to avoid any spoilers.
“Doc, it’s embarrassing, but I don’t feel sexy.”
“Try wearing the wife’s panties.”
“Really?”
“Yeah, the red ones with the lace are nice”
me: just going to take off my hoodie.
shirt: me too.
me: no just the hoodie.
shirt: ok but also me too.
me: no.
belly button: hello! 🙂
Me: *grimaces, accepts call*
Mother: You never visit, I could have fallen, I can’t find that stupid cane, and my hemorrhoids are KILLING me!
Me: Meow
Robocop: I am Robotcop
Criminal: You don’t say the t you robo moron
R: [visibly confused] Pu down he gun you are under arres
I don’t understand how people use plastic wrap successfully.
My toddler just spent five minutes explaining that he can’t use his imagination because he traded it to a kid at daycare for some fruit snacks. Ok, bro.
Thoroughly enjoyed my walk along a nudist beach this morning.
There was a piece of chocolate cake in the fridge and a note “Don’t eat me”.Now there’s an empty plate and a note “Don’t tell me what to do”
Rabbits who hang out in indie pet stores are hopsters.