3 reasons I’m not a hiker:
1. I don’t like sweating.
2. I don’t like getting lost.
3. I don’t like stumbling across human remains in shallow graves.
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99 times out of ten, I’m making shit up.
“I” before “e” except after “Old MacDonald had a farm”
boss: u should’ve been here at 9
me: why what happened at 9
I’m gonna make a photo editing type program that makes you look like a Hobbit and call it Frodoshop.
It’s Ash Wednesday so today I had fish for dinner.
OK, I had Goldfish for dinner. That still counts, right?
Unpopular opinion but siren songs low key kinda slap
ⓘ 𝗧𝗵𝗶𝘀 𝘂𝘀𝗲𝗿 𝗶𝘀 𝗹𝗼𝘀𝘁 𝗮𝘁 𝘀𝗲𝗮
Me: [cleaning the house for hours…finds the beloved toy my son “lost” and hands it to him]
9 y/o: Dad! Look what I just found!Sir I-
No one loses an argument when they’re carrying a chain saw.
Seeing a stuffed deer head on a wall makes me imagine its legs in the next room, just flailing around wildly.
Getting married at 22 sounds a lot like leaving a party at 9:30pm.
Waving my hand impatiently in front of the automatic door sensor so everyone knows I am too important to wait for electricity.
Boss: It’s a little strange that you’re only sick on Fridays…
Me: I have a weekend immune system.
[at wedding]
Pastor: If anyone opposes, speak now or forever hold your peace
Me (raises hand)
Pastor: It’s your wedding
Me (lowers hand)
I am out of wine, so I ate a bag of grapes and threw myself down the stairs.
Mechanic: Your car won’t pass inspection.
Me: Here’s $20 to look the other way.
Mechanic [looking the other way]: Your car won’t pass inspection.
All day long the girls have talked about wanting grilled cheese and tater wedges for dinner.
I made grilled cheese and tater wedges for dinner.
Them: We meant hot dogs and Doritos…
I’m ready to be adopted now.
*comes outside months after coronavirus is done*
FRIEND: You didn’t have to quarantine that long.
ME: There’s been quarantines?
I will never think of rock paper scissors the same way again.
Just left a review for the telescope I bought — barely works. two stars
Been married six months and I can’t even remember the last time I felt lucky on Google.
3 month plan:
1. Get a man
2. Plan fancy dinner
3. Check in on Facebook
4. Instagram dinner
5. Make that bitch Kelly jealous of you for once
My son meets his online girlfriend today, so here’s to hoping she’s the anime loving e-girl of his dreams and not some guy named Steve.
I think the real life lesson Darth Vader tries to teach us is having children can ruin your life
Why is Halloween considered the scariest time of the year? Most weddings happen in June.
[puts key in lock]
DO YOU AGREE TO NEW TERMS & CONDITIONS?
“sigh.”
*Accept
[door opens, rooms are smaller, furniture is moved]
Dog: “Moooo!”
ME: *holding 6 puppies* YOU TOLD ME YOU WANTED TO ADOPT!
SPOUSE: Children. I want to adopt CHILDREN.
ME: *defensive* They are our children.
“Yay, outdoor soccer in the rain”
– said no mom, ever
My 3yo came running towards me, I opened my arms ready for the biggest hug from him until he stopped right in front of me, wiped his nose on my sleeve and ran away
That’s motherhood summed up for you
Once I saw a post about someone setting up a snail habitat and they included empty snail shells in a tiny graveyard, in case mourning was an essential snail need
I learned the name of my neighbor’s dog today.
In other news, I now have free wifi.