When donuts appear in the breakroom. We cut one in half. We eat half. We return to the breakroom five minutes later and eat the other half. It is the way of our people.
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you can’t piss me off. you’re not the doorknob i keep getting my clothes caught on.
No one said life would be easy, but a heads-up on the number of idiots out there would’ve been nice.
My wife: I just gave myself a pedicure in record time!
Me: Impressive feet!
Me: “God! I hate people!”
God: “Yeah, me too.”
This tweet was written by M. Night Shyamalan.
I bet you didn’t see that one coming.
I’ve reached a fork in the road, thank heavens it was laying right next to a pan of lasagna.
Apparently I was involved in a class action lawsuit against AT&T. Anyway, I just got a check for $1.33 if anyone wants to party.
Soundgarden: Black hole sun, won’t you come and wash away the rain
Neil deGrasse Tyson: Literally nothing about that is right
I’m waiting to board my flight at the airport and I just saw a woman finish her book, stand up and angrily throw it in the bin.
I’m not telling you how to raise your kids, Phil. I’m just saying..fire is dangerous and babies can’t juggle.
gordon ramsay: ok chefs you must prepare an appetizer, soup, a main course, and a dessert you have 30 minutes time starts now
me: *struggling to open a bagged salad*
The most important thing I teach my guitar students is never sing Brown Eyed Girl to a green eyed woman.
When I was 8, my best friend & I had a big fight. The next week his family moved away. Dave, if you’re reading this, I still hate your guts.
Friend was telling me a story of how she made her parents drive around to 4 different places looking for a hot dog “with skin”. They kept trying to explain that they all have skin. Turns out what she wanted was a corn dog.
[gathers around casket and see’s it’s full of gatorade] uh oh, then that means
[grandma’s body is being dumped over the winning coach]
Give your kid a bowl of chips, and he’ll eat for a few minutes. Let him dump out a bag of chips in the car, and he’ll eat for a whole week
My boss gave me an assignment and told me to “give it the old college try”, so now I’m skipping class and doing a keg stand.
Don’t go around saying you hate all people. Attractive people who have a lot of money are really lovable.
I just want to find a supplement that takes me back to my 22 year old body, skin, and hair. So magic. I’m looking for magic.
my daughter just dyed her hair turquoise and apparently has no idea that she’s subjected herself to months of me asking if she’s still feeling blue
a good rule of thumb is to try to live your life in such a way that when you die, your funeral’s not drowned out by the world cheering
sometimes I worry that my diseases are saving up to move to a better person in a more desirable location
Sweet Jesus > Unsweetened Jesus
You know that pain which starts at your hip, runs down your leg, out the front door,and goes across the street to the bus stop… I’ve that.
That depressing moment you thought a hot chick was checking you out in the beer aisle but only to find out she was just a cardboard cutout.
14 Valentine’s Day jokes that laugh in the face of Cupid
velma: this man has been dressing up as a ghost and haunting the amusement park at night
judge: look, that’s really weird but you were still trespassing on his property
My financial situation is so bad, I’M being sponsored by a child in Africa
Sorry I started scratching your bug bite as I asked if it still itches.