I am rubber, you are glue, that guy is ketchup, this is a terrible Halloween party.
You Might Also Like
[GOD CREATING BEES]
G: Super important
A: k
G: And their spit tastes delicious.
A….k
G: But they’re so *clenches fists* angry
The Facebook emojis are stages of dating-marriage-divorce
Since we don’t get one single trick or treater in my neighborhood, I’ll just get 5 large bags of candy.
Sorry the tattoo artist missed your eye and put that teardrop under your nostril.
Why didn’t they call it Guardians of the Galaxthree
*eats half a pan of brownies while making salad for dinner*
My first job in retail taught me that the customer is always right. Until they’re out of earshot.
[me all weekend]
AAAHH CANT SLEEP TOO EXCITED ABOUT INDICTMENT[Mueller on Monday]
We’re charging Manafort with running a stop sign in 1994
“We’ll get you another ball, Hank.”
[china shop]
Bull: *walks in*
Shopkeeper: oh no
Bull: I’d like to speak to your manager
Shopkeeper: OH NO
If anyone needs me, I’ll be spending the rest of my life under this bathroom light that gives my abs a hint of definition.
god: ..and this part is your crust
earth: i’m a pizza 🙂
god: no that’s-
earth: everybody loves pizza 😀
god: but
earth: i’ll be treated so good forever and ever :’)
god: [deep breath in] here’s the thing
To me the greatest mystery of scooby doo was whether scooby snacks were human food they fed to scooby or dog food they fed to shaggy
if you aren’t someone the church would’ve killed 400 years ago are you even living?
If I was a ghost, pottery wouldn’t be the first thing I do.
George Washington spent 63% of his salary on alcohol so I guess you could say I have presidential qualities.
Before I take a shower: I hate it in there, the wet world is a bad place
While in the shower: I remember now that this is a good place, it is the dry world that is the enemy
If you’re in a revolving door with me, know that I’m only pretending to push.
no caffeine: day 6
-sleeping better
-stable moods
-less anxious
-can’t think straight
-i’m exhausted
-3 people are dead
If Christian Bale has never cancelled a date and said “sorry to Bale on you” then I don’t think he is living life to the fullest.
“wYd oN vAleNtiNes dAy”
Going to work bro it’s Wednesday
She thinks she funny #IfMyFriendsTitledMyLifeStory
My neighbors have been calling for their cat for 15 minutes. I’ve been meowing out the window for 30.
In case you’re considering having kids, I’ve been awake since sunrise trying to fulfill breakfast requests of: 1. Pancakes 2. Pizza 3. Green
A fun prank is to search “buy antique dolls” on someone’s computer because then all their Facebook targeted ads are creepy dolls forever
I’ve walked all over this Hobby Lobby and still haven’t found the craft beers.
Took my fluffy little dog to the beach thinking maybe he’d frolic around in the water, play fetch, dig a hole in the sand. He ran straight for a dead seagull and rolled around on its carcass
4yo-“Can I have this granola bar?”
Me-“You don’t like granola bars.”
4yo-“I DO!”
Me-“You have never liked these. I promise you don’t.”
4yo- “I YIKE THEM! I want it!”
“…fine. Here ya go.”“Mom. I don’t yike this granola bar.”