Is it “butt” naked or “buck” naked? Either way, this dentist appointment is making me very uncomfortable.
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If you are stressed and it’s making me stressed, then your desserts are also my desserts. That’s science. Now be quiet and hand me a spoon.
having a drunk argument with someone over whether a sexy abraham lincoln costume would be hotter than a sexy teddy roosevelt and somehow we’re both losing
[first day as a doorman]
me: bye, thanks for coming
sperm bank manager: *pulling me aside* this was literally the first thing we talked about
Is there any rejection more humiliating than when you try to tickle someone and it doesn’t work
I can always tell, after reading the first page, if a script has, at least, two pages.
if u choke a Smurf what color does it turn
My boss at the cheese factory wants to make “cheddar juice” by having us mix orange food coloring into the leftover byproduct. We’ve gotta make a decision: leave tonight or dye this whey.
If you’re single on Valentine’s Day, it’s not because you’re undesirable or unattractive. It’s because you didn’t take the time to summon a demon & ask it out on a date and that is 100% your fault.
bartender asked if i wanted another beer & i said “no thank you, i have to pee soon & don’t like leaving an open beer” so one of the guys said “ain’t nobody gonna drink your beer”
…do men think the reason we don’t leave our drinks unattended is because someone will drink it??
If the zombie apocalypse hits and you all need a twist tie, my mom has everyone covered.
My boss: Why are you hiding behind the potted fern?
Me:
My boss: don’t be silly. Come out so we can complete your appraisal.
Me *makes nervous fern noises*
It’s amazing how water drops from my shower make little faces all around.
I see Mona Lisa on the wall,
A cute Pikachu on the glass,
And my neighbor’s face in the bathroom window.
hi, how are you?
–yoda asking how high you are
COP: let’s see some ID sir
ME: *hands him the little sticker from my lemon*
COP: this ain’t gonna cut it bud
ME: fine *hands him the lemon*
“Do I need to put my shoes back on for this?” is apparently a bad answer when your boss calls you into a meeting
[having helped prep some pistachios while my wife spends two hours putting together the rest of the meal] How about those nuts, huh? You can really taste the deshelling
ME: *as a surgeon* What’s the worst that could happen? Your nose buzzes & we put all the pieces back & start over…Where are you going?
“Why is this food more expensive than it was this morning”
“Sir this is a Wendy’s”
Sex at 20: yes baby rearrange my guts
Sex at 40: be careful my gut is still a little bloated from all those bread sticks
Like a shark smelling blood in the water, my toddler can also smell when I am eating my secret stash of cookies.
A moment of silence please for the bottle of wine I just dropped.
It was a tragic accident.
Gone too soon.
hamburger doesn’t need your help.
[reading directions]
These are probably garbage words, I’ll just do what I, a moron, think
I bet at least ONE of Leonardo DiCaprio’s friends has called him Leotard. Probably Mark Wahlberg…
*calls psychic hotline*
Psychic: how can I help you?
Me: well this is bullshit.
Sorry my armpits are so sweaty, I had to say my name and title on a conference call.
Don’t date a Canadian woman unless you’re willing to plow her…..
Driveway when it snows
Probably the worst thing you can do to a person is leave them a voicemail.
Apparently everyone was too high in the 70’s when Grease came out to notice that every “student” at Rydell High looked like they were 35
My screensaver is a screenshot of a bunch of spreadsheets so my boss doesn’t notice when I haven’t moved my mouse in an hour.