Be safe this weekend, otherwise your dumb friends will end up telling some local news reporter how you were always the “life of the party.”
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Beethoven: hey everybody, this next song’s called “Für Elise”
Elise: omg, we broke up 6 months ago, get over urslf
B: SHUT UP ELISE I LUV U
Nothing in my college degree prepared me for having the cat supervise me while I clean out the litter box.
I really don’t care where y’all are located, my brother was last seen on the Westbank in the Westwego area. My baby is missing and I need everyone’s eyes because I cannot see by myself. This is the time I need all of my prayer warriors 😔 please help me find my brother
People always say I make things sound sexual but I try not to pry them open and force my thick throbbing opinion down inside them.
I don’t know why we have three different pig emojis but it’s great for when you need to tell someone a pig is slowly approaching:
🐖🐷
🐽
WHAT I SAY: that’s one way of looking at it
WHAT I MEAN: in the history of stupid things said by stupid people, what just came out of your mouth is, by far, the stupidest. If there were stupidity trophies, yours would be gold plated and set atop a plinth reading STUPID.
My husband: JUST TRUST ME
Me: Uhh you wanted to name both of our kids Atomic
Hello, my name is Pierre.
Friend: How many girls did you date before you met your wife?
Me: That was so long ago. Who really rememb-
Wife: Thirty-seven
Them: What year is your car?
Me: It’s brown.
“It all started when my mom met my dad…”
Why do plane tickets have to be so expensive…you’re literally going that way anyway…just give me a ride.
Mark Ruffalo is the name you could most likely teach a dog to say.
Student Teacher: okay class, who knows what an oxymoron is
Kid: you’re an oxymoron
Student Teacher: well yes technically that is correct
[me, in a sting operation]
Can I buy your best stuff?
DRUG DEALER: what do u mean by stuff?
*talking into my shirt* what do I mean by stuff?
No trip to Home Depot is complete without at least two more trips to Home Depot for what you didn’t know you needed to buy the first time.
*Me, unprepared giving toast at BBQ with family and friends on Labour Day*
Yes, uh, Labour Day. The day devoted to labour. The day we recognize all the women who’ve, uh, been in labour and how difficult that must’ve been. *raises glass* To being preggers!
*logs onto Facebook*
*sees 347 ultrasound pictures*
*logs off forever*
Rocket Man vs. Rockhead Man. An epic battle of two Superzeros.
*getting a deli sandwich*
person making sandwich: only 1 piece of cheese?
me: yes
person: u can have 3 pieces of cheese for the same price
me: that’s ok I’m good
person: it’s FREE cheese tho
me: I don’t want that much cheese
person: *yelling* ITS FREE CHEESE
[Giraffes at gym]
“What do you want to work on today?”
Well we did neck day yesterday, and the day before.
“So…neck day again”
You bet
Remember when we wished we could read people’s minds? Social media has shown just how shitty that power is.
If a woman wears a ponytail holder on her wrist at all times that means she’s always down to pull her hair back and fight you.
Every person over 50, every Autumn: It sure is a pretty Fall this year, although not as pretty as last year.
Wife: I’m trying to decide between tacos or pasta for dinner. What are your thoughts?
Me: They’re, like, little voices that say things in my head.
The fastest land animal is me when I’m upstairs and hear my dog about to throw up in the living room
I’m sad… I’m gonna eat some feelings.
*6 hours later*
S.W.A.T. Leader: Sir, she’s eaten the feelings of the entire team! She… *static*
Meanwhile, at the local farmer’s market…..
My 7yo twins informed me when they grow up they aren’t going to have kids, they want to travel the country in a motor home and take homeless children off the sidewalk.
I guess it’s time for the ol “kidnapping is frowned upon” talk.
the twelve days of christmas is completely unrealistic there is no way that you’re still accepting gifts from someone after four days of birds