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*queen’s gambit*
dad: knight takes queen
daughter: *3D prints new queen*
I’ve never been on Jeopardy, but I have put a 4yo to bed, so I know what it’s like to be asked about things you never even heard of.
Kids are like public radio stations; they’re talented at constantly interrupting stories to ask for money.
When you find out your hotel has a waffle bar.
Handing out samples at Costco:
“These are mini hand sanitizer/toilet paper sandwiches, they’re really popular right now”
“FOR [sound of robot-computer meltdown/Buckethead noise] PRESS 1
FOR [feint but audible screams of someone being chased in woods] PRESS 2”
Interviewer: And what are your long term goals?
Me: I was thinking cremation.
Humans should grow a new set of teeth in our 30s to make-up for all the poor decisions in our 20s.
nobody tell me how the eclipse goes today I’ll be watching it on delay
I like when candies have offseasons, like Easter is the Super Bowl of Cadbury Crème Eggs and then the eggs go rest up for training camp
My girlfriend said Valentine’s Day is really important to her so I can’t wait to see what she has planned for us
I’ve written a musical called Fish.
It’s very similar to Cats… although Memory’s a lot shorter.
A hippo’s favourite desert is hippopota-mousse.
#MousseDay #RubbishJokes
Do you know what really makes me smile? Facial muscles.
If I had known I looked this sexy in glasses, I would’ve stopped being able to see a long time ago
There are so many firsts you can still experience at 40! Like finding your first chin hairs and having your first colonoscopy!
this came to me in a vision
Let’s be honest, a forced 2 week quarantine will be the only way we’ll ever actually finish the laundry.
How come mimes never imagine being in bigger boxes?
You OK? You’ve barely touched your crocssant!?!
Her: *seductively raises knee and rests foot on car to expose a lovely thigh
Me: That’s gonna leave a shoe print, get your foot off there.
A curious tradition — to look at a newborn baby and say to yourself, “Because of your DNA, one day you will rule over me.”
Times are tough, my daughter just repossessed a paper airplane she made me, over a quarter I owed her from yesterday
I like to think my wife’s friends stare at me because I’m hot but it’s probably because they have never seen a potato salad sandwich before.
I don’t care if it’s red balloons, problems, or bottles of beer on the wall.
If you’ve got 99 of anything, I’m scheduling an intervention
tired of seeing everyone’s boyfriend taking them on paint and picnic dates so my dog took me on one instead
imagine getting fired from the sperm bank for drinking on the job and having to constantly clarify that
Overheard:
5yo : you think I’m ugly
6yo: a little bit yes, but mostly no
COP: you can’t hide from the long arm of the law
ME [under the couch]: please stop tickling me
Why do I keep paying the bills? It just encourages them to send more.