ME: I was left in the woods as a baby.
DATE: So, were you raised by wolves?
ME: Not exactly. *gnaws a tree in half*
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People at the library need to learn how to be quiet. Some of us are trying to beatbox over here.
Cashier: do you need bags?
Me: do any of us NEED anything?
Cashier: sir, I have a liberal arts degree too
Me: plastic please
Nose
Laundry to do list;
□ whites
□ towels
□ untangle and re-dry duvet cover
□ untangle and re-dry duvet cover
□ untangle and re-dry duvet cover
□ darks
Personal news: After years of flawless service, the Tooth Fairy hit a rough patch this week.
The pharmacy will look you straight in the eye with no line of people and tell you it will be 20-30 minutes for them to take some eye drops off the shelf behind them and put them in a little bag.
Guys, please help. My son accidentally started a sentence without saying “mom” first, and then he kind of short circuited…? What do I do?
[first day in prison]
Cellmate: that’s Flesh Eater Mike
Me: why do they call him that?
Cellmate, quietly as Flesh Eater Mike walks by with blood dripping down his chin: it’s short for Michael
To the dude i just saw driving a beat up Ford mini van with spare tire and dream catcher on mirror: that dream catchers not working dude!
I can’t get you off of my mind. I need you inside of me now. C’mere, and let me devour you.
-me, to my cheese and crackers.
Him: i like you
Me: *wheels in whiteboard* let me break it down for you why that’s a bad idea
I will never think of rock paper scissors the same way again.
Wife: I read my mom that funny tweet you wrote.
Me: Don’t you mean THOSE funny TWEETS?
Wife: …
Me: …
Wife: No. No, I don’t.
What’s the opposite of coffee?
Sneezy.
I’ve never watched The Bachelor but I have been to a bar.
I did squats today. Mostly because I was hiding from a coworker.
Doctor: The surgery was a success and your husband should wake up in a few hours.
My wife: I thought you said this surgery didn’t require for him to be unconscious?
Doctor: It didn’t but he started talking and-
My wife: I understand.
Canada has crack?
8yo: Daddy, I wrote a short story called Attack of the Killer Kittens.
me: oh wow ok…
8yo: Mommy is the superhero who makes all the kittens be good instead of evil.
me: nice, what about me?
8yo: you get eaten.
If a company’s hiring sign says, “Come grow with us,” you’re about to do the work of 3-5 people.
the concept of sister cities was developed so that towns could borrow each other’s dresses
Still suddenly panicking that you haven’t done your homework on Sunday evenings, despite being in your thirties
[Job interview]
Him: Do you have any questions?
Me: What kind of snacks are in the vending machine?
I waitress because if I don’t get screamed at twice a day about condiments, I don’t feel like I have put in an honest days work.
what’s for dinner?
ME: indian
we had indian last night
ME: i know, but i forgot to do the ‘i see a little sillhouetto of a naan’ joke so
ROOMMATE: Big date later?
ME: [combs hair] Yes
R: Where?
M: [fixes tie] The woods
R: Is it with a bear again?
M: [dabs honey behind ears] No
Me: Is this something a crazy person would wear?
My mom: Well, crazy people can wear whatever they want, so…
“Daddy, where do babies come from?”
Show him Edna..
[mum stops slicing carrots]
*starts violently gagging until a baby slides out her mouth*
I would like even faster food.