Teacher: Did your mom sign your permission slip?
Kid: Yep
Teacher: This says you have permission to be the teacher
Kid Teacher: please raise your hand before speaking
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The older I become the more I think Oscar the Grouch should just be called Oscar.
Why can’t there be nostril pattern baldness?
1st toddler: Here is a book you can look at.
2nd toddler: Here is a toy you can play with.
3rd toddler: Here is something you can break.
A milkshake in the yard yields hornets. Therefore, place a hidden milkshake in the yard of your enemies.
I am one “Mom!” away from making the 6 o’clock news.
(Gaming support cat.)
Just waved at my neighbor’s cat in the window. Turns out it was a vase.
Learning just enough german words to yell so I can scare my neighbors
If you go into a bar by yourself and ask for a water the bartender looks at you like you have leprosy.
And then the devil said, “tell her to calm down.”
Son: What’s this spell? *waves finger wildly in the air*
Me: I’m not sure, bud.
Son: PAY ATTENTION! *aggressively waves finger wildly in the air*
Me: Ummmm, truck?
Son: Were you even looking? Try again. *pointedly waves finger wildly in the air*[repeat ad infinitum]
Doctor: Did you remember to bring a list of medications that you’re taking?
Me: (Snaps wrist to unroll a scroll that touches the floor.)
Couldn’t remember the word ‘duck’ earlier so I called it a lake chicken.
landlord: your income needs to be 3x rent
me: can you tell my boss that
I don’t like using the locker room at the gym cuz the guys always stare when they notice my gym bag is filled with lasagna
me: you misspelled school
8yo: I don’t think ‘h’ needs to be in that word
me: I think you’re taking our “think for yourself” talk a little too far
Me, sitting on the patio trying to enjoy a book.
Leaf blowers: ABSOLUTELY NOT.
When I first went on the pill, I put on a bit of weight. Which proved to be a very effective contraceptive.
5 just asked if I was older than Grandma so Christmas at our house is canceled.
Snakes full of cheese instead of poison would certainly improve the atmosphere at this church.
me: can we stop at olive garden
mom: we have family at home
Girl: So, your dating profile says you enjoy long walks by the sea & making ur own wine?
Jesus: ON
Girl: What?
Jesus: Long walks ON the sea
If I chase you, it’s definitely with a flamethrower.
People who sound like fonts: Ariana Grande. Roman Roy. Jim Courier. Lydia West. Bon Iver. Suella Braverman. Jesse Ventura
Her: When I said a night guard I meant one of those things that protects your teeth overnight.
Me: *removes samurai helmet* Oh.
Never play musical chairs against a person in a wheelchair. They will always beat you.
When #EgyptAir announced “he’s not a terrorist, just an idiot” My ex wife phoned to see if it was me.
I don’t whisper sweet nothings.
I yodel them.
I walked into a room full of men and they couldn’t stop staring at me.
Oh…wrong toilets.
Woke at 2 AM to a strange male voice telling me to accept god. Storm knocked out power at 7 and I forgot to turn off TV – thought I’d died.