blenders are like “hey use me to make a healthy drink then spend 4 days getting me clean”
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I would’ve thrown a coin in the water fountain and wished for all the money in it, but I just waited ’til it was dark instead.
Me googling: why do chickens get to run around with no head but humans don’t?
Google response: Why Am I Single Quiz – Take This Quiz To Find Out
What do we want?
An Iphone for fat fingers!
When do we want it?
BOW!
*knocks on bathroom stall wall*
Forgive me father, for I have sinned.
“Huh? What?”
It’s been 3 days since my last-
[sound of diarrhea]
Stop saying I’m crazy. You’re starting to sound like the waffle iron.
DATE: If you don’t stop talking like a phone sex operator I’m gonna leave.
ME: oh yeah? *low raspy voice* ..and then what are you gonna do?
“There’s no eye in Teams” I exclaim turning off my laptop camera
Me: His breathing annoys me. Always with the in and out and back in again. Like, enough already.
Marriage Counsellor: …
A moth flies into your face out of nowhere. You could ask him why he does that, but what would you do with the information?
There’s trash talk, then there’s this.
if i were a 400 year old immortal vampire, i would simply not enrol in a local high school
6: Is google a number? My friend told me it was
Me: No buddy, it’s not, your friend doesn’t know anything
Husband: Actually, googol IS a number so who’s the one who doesn’t know any-
Me:
H: Your mom is very smart
About the only thing I’ve learned from playing Angry Birds is that the pigs could definitely benefit from a comprehensive revamp of their building codes which currently allow construction using unsecured masonry, glass, balloons, and boxes of TNT.
I’ve consumed so much raw cookie dough the Pillsbury Doughboy made a pass at me.
Did You Know?
Humans swallow EIGHT spiders in their sleep every year! Also, I talked to the spiders, and apparently tonight’s the night.
Me: I should tell him how I feel.
Beer: Nah.
Vodka: Just be sweet about it.
Whiskey: Or yell it.
Tequila: MAKE SURE YOU CRY GUYS LOVE THAT
How come when our phones fall, we panic, but when our friends fall, we laugh.
me: honey you need to embrace your flaws
wife: ok [hugs me]
I’ll scaramouche, but I don’t do the Fandango for every little silhouetto of a man.
Me: Do you remember when I told you-
Husband: No.
Me: *Applying for a second mortgage*
Banker: *shuffling papers* I just don’t understand how you got the first one on this Bouncy House.
Goth gf: this isnt working out. I think we should see other people
Golden Retriever bf: *started running in circles as soon as he heard the word Out*
Our cat is an opera when she’s hungry
INTERVIEWER: What do you see as your biggest weakness?
ME:
INTERVIEWER:
ME:
MY MOTHER: He’s not good at speaking up for himself
You must first feel comfortable in someone else’s skin before you can feel comfortable in your own.
–Psycho Therapy
“You’re asking too much! I have a LIFE, you know!” I scream at this recipe that requires several of the ingredients to be sifted in a separate bowl before adding to the main mixture.
“Why don’t traffic cops wear pullovers?” and other questions that I ponder at 3:30 a.m.