Hate eating nachos with someone at the theater and our fingers touch. Especially if I don’t know them, and they don’t know we’re sharing.
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Word of advice.
If you forget to put on deodorant, sneaking into the walk-in freezer at work and holding your shirt up doesn’t solve the problem.
Also that creepy coworker will get even more creepier if you forget to close the door behind you.
My wife: “What’s Twitter like?”
Me: “It’s amazing.”
Her: “OK, I’ll join.”
Me: “Oh look, Twitter just shut down forever. That’s too bad.”
Whenever I see the words “horse-drawn carriage” I wonder if the horse’s artistic output was limited to means of transportation, or he also did cartoons.
“Everything in moderation,” I whisper as I pour my 8th cup of coffee.
Pay no attention to the man behind the crouton!
Doctor: Are you getting enough exercise?
Me: Define “you”
I’ve lost count of how many times in the past week I looked at my inbox and said, “How the hell did I get on this mailing list?” And “What could the CEO of Spanx possibly have to tell me about the coronavirus?”
“Adults are lame. After they have kids, they never do anything exciting.”
-my son, blaming the victims
Johnny Depp’s wife of just over a year Filed for Divorce today…
With NO prenup…She is gonna get soooooo many bracelets.
When we got married, my wife had her last name legally changed to mine, and my name was apparently changed to “Is that what you’re wearing?”
dinosaur: omg a meteor
t-rex clark kent: *desperately trying to remove his glasses with his tiny arms*
I don’t have 2.5lb weights at home so I have to use two bottles of wine for my physio exercises.
Nice try horror movies, but everyone in my generation is already terrified to answer their phones
What kind of educational background do you need to have to work at the gas station that directs teens to their deaths in a horror movie?
Highly Misleading Pictures That Will Make You Need To Look Twice At To Understand
I have never bought a snack faster on name alone in my life.
[restaurant]
WIFE: Sorry I snapped at you. I’m a little grumpy.
ME: It’s okay. You have your period, which means your hormones are-[one hour later]
DOCTOR: Mansplaining?
ME: *nods*
DOCTOR: Alright, It’s gonna sting a little when I pull the salad fork out.
Got kicked off the police force for saying “Ooooooo, somebody’s in trouble” every time I made an arrest.
Today I saw a kid being pushed around in the shopping cart while eating a snack and watching a movie on an iPad. It’s tough to see others living out your dreams.
INTERVIEWER: what’s your greatest strength?
ME: shape shifting
INTERVIEWER: is that so?
INTERVIEWER: yes
INTERVIEWER: holy shit
[whispering to coworker who liked my status about having to put my dog down but never commented] so you like dead dogs do ya meghan?
“We could do that, or…”
Translation: I’m afraid I’ve just placed your suggested plan gently into the bin.
If u ever think ur stupid just know that one time a guy asked me what my “attachment style” was and I didn’t know what that meant so I said “PDF if it’s over email I hate when people send it as a word doc”
Me: [*Drinks water]
My Liver: New liquid, who dis?
[driving]
WIFE: gross, did you see the roadkill back there?
ME [scared]: did i see the road kill what?
Thinking of becoming the “where’s my hug” guy in prison.
hot take but IMO the internet was better when it was just dorks and social outcasts. after they let hot people on here everyone got all weird
Funny how the British conquered so much land looking for spices.
But then refused to use them.
When a fancy lady told me she was from an upscale neighborhood, I stared at her, mouth agape and said, ‘Oh shit! I’m so sorry. Are you okay?’ She didn’t like that at all.
How many zombies would Rob Zombie rob if Rob Zombie could rob zombies?