Me: Shhh. You have to keep it down or my husband will hear us.
*Me talking to a loud, crinkly sleeve of Girl Scout Cookies.
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a moth just flew into my wine haha have fun driving home, you drunk piece of shit
*I need to eat better*
post donut clarity
Carrots are a great thing to eat
when you’re hungry and
want to stay that way.#CarrotDay
Me: how are you feeling about all of this?
Husband: i dunno. i feel like the cold hand of death is upon me.
Me. *pulling back my dried, shriveled, over washed hands* oh, ya, ya. sounds like you’re a goner.
You don’t care when my dog does it, is not an acceptable explanation for shitting on your neighbor’s lawn. I know this now.
[dracula slapping mosquito]
holy shit that really IS annoying
For those that worship cheese..
who called them sea lions and not soggy doggies
I may not look good naked, but I’m a beautiful person on the insi….
Hahahaha just kidding
I look great naked
The man I married can land a fly on a trout’s snout.
The man I married says it’s not ON the snout, but AHEAD of the snout.
The man I married doesn’t allow imprecise compliments.
DR.: you’re going to feel a little bit of pressure. Ready?
ME: yes
DR.: your sister is younger but already has a career path & owns her home
[opens GPS voice command]
FIND DOGS TO PET
“Mommy, mommy, mommy, mom, mom, mommy, mom, mommy!”
-Mormon kids
*Unexpected item in the bagging area*
Me: Well what item exactly WERE you expecting?
Millennial cop dramas are incredibly tough to write. Since we can’t afford to retire, nobody is ever 2 days away from retirement when they stumble upon The Big Case
How long does Netflix have to be down before they send someone to your house to stroke your hair & tell you everything’s going to be alright
*shows up at your work*
“Hi, it’s me. From the internet.”
Lead me not into temptation. Take my hand and I’ll show you a shortcut.
Sometimes I drink water to surprise my liver
there’s a fine line between things that need to be tweeted and things that need to be medicated.
Me: Who drew the picture?
8: I can’t remember her name.
Me: You memorize 200 Pokémon but you don’t remember the kids names in class?
8: 213
Yeah I lift. How many reps will it take to get to the bottom of this bag of chips? Let’s find out
I smile whenever I say “cheese” regardless of whether or not my picture is being taken
Me: You can’t fire me, I quit!
Boss: You can’t quit, I fired you!
Me: You can’t quit me, I’m fire!
Boss:…
*our eyes lock and we kiss*
My wife said “Sometimes you can be so lazy,” and then she walked out of the room.
I looked at our dog and said “Go find out which one of us she’s talking about.”
3: *tries a new thing, screams and fights, finally does the thing, cries that he’s done
Absolutely no one:
3: that was SO MUCH FUN, we have to do it again soon!!!!
Husband: I almost ate an entire pan of Rice Krispies treats.
Me: Almost? Quitter.
I would’ve been terrible in 50 Shades because the second a guy said “I don’t do romance” I would laugh and be like NOBODY SAYS THAT BYE
i actually have good reason to shoot the messenger. for one, i do NOT like what he’s telling me