I hugged my youngest son today and asked him “how’s my favorite son?” and from the next room the oldest son shouted “I heard that!”
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ME:You wanna come in?
VAMPIRE:Oh, can’t, vampire
M:Unless I invite you
V:Oh…you know about that
M:Yeah, you can-
V:It’s just…I’m super busy…
Lake Superior really needs to lose the attitude.
When someone buys a new car I like to get them a ziploc bag full of gas as like a car warming present.
{Olive Garden}
Husband:”Everyone is staring at us.”Me:(In a luchador mask and pink feather boa)”It’s probably because you said no cheese.”
My 5-year-old told me to take the pizza out of the oven before it burns. I told her that I know what I’m doing and please don’t tell me what to do. I forgot about the pizza and ummm… I don’t think I’ll ever recover from this.
The secret to a happy marriage is having the same definition of clean.
Her: I’m an only child
Me: There are literally billions of children
dogs can find happiness so easily
boss: you’re late
me: and you are not the father
Ugh, my boyfriend got me flowers even tho I explicitly asked for cash
ME: Jealousy destroys everything it touches
ANTIQUE DEALER: Weird thing to name your cat but you still have to pay for everything it broke
Wife: Are you ever gonna use that workout DVD I got you?
Me: *defensively* I have been using-
Wife: Not as a coaster
Me: *sipping beverage* This is a sports drink
Resistance training
But me dragging my kids into school.
I want to be rich enough to tell the Chipotle cashier, “Guacamole is NO OBJECT!”
Who gets custody of us when Twitter dies?
When you wish you could tell someone that won’t stop talking “Okay we’re out of time today” just like a therapist.
I think Twitter is baiting me with flattery when it says, “We’ve selected a small group for feedback.”
I love the honesty
When the DJ asks if we are ready to party I sometimes lie & say yes even though I really need like 10 min to get ready
me: I would hate to be the Bear of Bad News
my wife: it’s bearer of bad news not Bear of Bad News
Bear of Bad News: lady you don’t know wtf you’re talking about
Surely these children should be in bed by now?
– me, anytime after 4pm
when my wife was in labor with our first kid 11 yrs ago I was next to her in the hospital room. with my laptop tending to my farmville crops that needed harvesting. Follow me for more caring husband advice.
Does anyone else start driving like there’s 4 dismembered bodies in the trunk when a cop is behind you?
Me: So, what did you bring home from preschool today?!?
3yo: *sneezes*
Real women have curves!!! Real women have spirals!!! Real women are plump and covered in a creamy sauce wait nope thinkin of pasta
The guy who thought up Super Mario must have had a very complicated relationship with turtles
COUPLE: *rides off into the sunset*
NEIL DEGRASSE TYSON: nope
me: goth goose. gothic goose. goosic. no wait… gooth
teacher: it’s already called a vulture
Me (as a doctor): I’m afraid you have very moderately progressing gonorrhea
Patient: what? I don’t understand
Me (starts slow clap)
Boss: Did you take Mike’s stapler and leave a note demanding that he meet you for drinks later?
Me: WHAT!?! Noooo….wait, did he say yes?