Reached the age where my body is like, “oh yeah, forgot to tell you, we can’t eat cucumbers after 7 P.M. anymore.”
You Might Also Like
i don’t want to rock and roll all night. i want to sleep all night without having to get up and pee 39 times
my name if I was in the mob
Could’ve posed any goddamn way he wanted. Chose this.
Me: was your son fed?
Wife: yes.
Me: bathed?
Wife: yes.
Me: in bed on time?
Wife: yes.
Me: so I’m a “bad dad” why?
Wife: his pajamas.
Me: what about them?
Wife: THEY. DON’T. MATCH.
Children are our future. Clean burning. Renewable. Children.
The veggies I bought 3 weeks ago as I reach for another pudding
If you can’t say anything nice, say something funny.
I just want to take a moment to thank God for making it be parrots that talk and not cockroaches.
Did a great workout at home this morning by running 25 times up and down 15 flights of stairs to make sure the iron was unplugged.
It’s like my dad always used to say, “Don’t go around acting like the Village idiot.”
[Hospital front desk]
“Yeah my wife is here for weight loss surg-”
*wife hits me*
“Baby delivery, I mean she’s here to deliver a baby”
Autumn. When libraries see the classics fly off the shelves as people look for heavy books to press leaves.
“At this point, if the Zodiac Killer is still alive, he’s gonna reveal his identity just so people don’t think he’s Ted Cruz. “ – my wife
Your gene pool should be drained, the area bleached & the ground burned & salted. But other than that you seem like a great person.
If your husband didn’t just take down an old shower curtain, wear it as a cape, then run around yelling “I am Captain Mildew!” then you are not me.
A haunted house where they make you look at your checking account balance.
Very sad to hear about Donald Trump. Nothing happened to him I’m just sad to hear about him
Ouija™ board by Milton Bradley – because if anyone can bridge the gap between the living and the dead, it’s the folks who brought you Hungry Hungry Hippos.
Me- Can I borrow a screwdriver? Neighbor- Phillips or regular? Me- Grey Goose and Tropicana
Me: I love living in a place with four seasons.
Me, the first day I have to scrape ice off my car: Screw this entire state.
20% of being the BBC Wimbledon presenter is telling people what other telly programmes have been cancelled.
I shrunk my husband’s hoodie in the dryer, so now I have to convince him that he gained 30 pounds overnight to hide my mistake.
When I sprayed my foot with tinactin my 6yo asked what it was for and I told him athletes foot then he said “but daddy you’re not an athlete” and I am so sad that he’ll never understand how sick the burn was that he delivered.
I don’t let my husband pick up the groceries right now because I’m worried he’ll taste freedom and never come back.
I’m working on my second million, since I failed so much at the first.
DATE: do you want kids?
ME [looking around]: *whispers* i mean i guess so, did you bring some?
My neighbor said “I don’t watch football so I don’t know who Taylor Swift is, but he sounds fast.”
Her: What’s that account pin again?
Me: 051598
Her: Our wedding anniversary?
Me: Yes…they recommended for security purposes that I pick a number that’s insignificant.
Her:
Me: (immediately starts vacuuming)
Sure, being a lion tamer is dangerous but have you ever gotten a haircut while you had the hiccups?
Just because we’ve been friends for ten years doesn’t mean I know your kids’ names.