I received many personality traits from my mom, but she got her short temper from me.
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i think anyone who has ever had beautiful styled hair or tried to hold a big pile of leaves in their hands will know the trouble a gust of wind can cause.
I have a neighbor who will drone on for 15 minutes with the most boring stories ever.
Then when you start to talk she stares off into the distance like she’s looking for someone on a horse to come save her.
[commercial for twitter]
hey do you love wasting time and also getting angry
Mobile app developers: great, now all we need is something for them to do in between the adverts.
Pro tip: Next time you’re at a bar, go up to a woman & whisper “Hey, wanna get outta here?”
If she says yes, you can sit where she was.
My wife wants me to go to Zumba with her. I am hopeful that this is a place to get burritos.
Apparently everyone on the zoom calls outside my office finds my singing distracting.
I don’t get laid on Saturdays. The last two words were unnecessary.
ME: do u like smart guys
GIRL AT BAR: yes
ME: sorry i wasted your time
The British are coming! The British are coming! The British have to get up early! The British swear they’ll call you in the morning!
A Quiet Place (Family, 2018): heartwarming tale of parents who keep their kids quiet with the help of a murderous monster
Friend: Does Jesus live in you?
Me, Very Fat: I don’t know, he probably could though.
*goes in for first kiss*
*stops*
Before this goes any further, I need to understand your position on naming our kids after water Pokèmon
me: I would sell my soles for some chocolate right now
devil: done! wait, what the h-
me: no takebacksies
devil: *holding a pair of sensible flats* damnit
Me: how many bears do you think we could fight as a family
Wife: none you idiot
Me: oh
*growling from closet*
Wife: WHAT HAVE YOU DONE??
Me: don’t be hitting!
Her, 5: I didn’t hit him!
Him, 9: you threw a block at me!
Her, 5: yeah, but I missed!
I saw my ex getting beaten up by half a dozen thugs.
For a second, I thought, “Should I help?”
Then I thought, “No…6 should be enough.”
So out of it today. Was squeezing honey in my tea and thought, “Can’t believe this stuff comes from bears.”
Once upon a time, a man poured himself a glass of red wine and sat down on his wife’s white couch that no one was allowed to eat or drink on…
[In line at the store when my child has a meltdown]
A boomer in line behind me: that child could use some discipline-
Me: -but your generation has already used 𝘌𝘝𝘌𝘙𝘠𝘛𝘏𝘐𝘕𝘎 all up
PRINCE CHARMING: The glass slipper fits! You’re my true love!
CINDERELLA: worst 👏 dating app 👏 ever
Therapist: So it says on your chart that you had a complete psychotic breakdown, can you explain to me what you think lead to this?
TwinzerMom: My kids…. they wouldn’t (breaks into tears)
Therapist: Go on
TwinzerMom: THEY WOULDN’T STOP MIXING THE PLAY-DOH!!!
My favorite part of the date is when I tell her that I want her to have my kids. And then I give them to her, all 3 of them.
My insomnia has it’s own toothbrush in my bathroom.
I am woman, watch me fit 94 bottles of shampoo and 15 different body washes on my shower ledge
*I look into abyss*
*Abyss looks at me*
*Abyss blinking message in Morse code*
*I go off to learn Morse*
*I return*
“Why do we park in a dri
math teacher: you currently have a 55% in this class and you need at least 60% to pass
me: is there anything i can do to raise my grade?
math teacher: if you do this one assignment, i’ll give you 10% extra credit
me:
math teacher:
me: i don’t- is that going to be enough
I accidentally swallowed some Scrabble squares.
Going for a poo could spell trouble!
I have hidden my son’s socks in his sock drawer where he will never find them.
[job interview]
Interviewer: are you familiar with microsoft word
Me: yes i’ve heard that word many times