Me- Tonight’s menu consists of savory wild fowl and a side of greens a la creme de mushrooms complete with a robust sprinkling of onions
14- So Turkey and green bean casserole again?
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Wait hamburger chips aren’t potato chip flavored hamburgers I’ve been living a lie
My friend and I were talking about food and he said “I’m not a big Chinese guy” and I was like “I know you’re not”
Convertibles are great if you want to arrive at your destination looking like a startled wookiee.
MY DAD: Foreigners in this country need to learn English.
ALSO MY DAD: I heard you got a new hi-bird car.
A man at a cemetery for Titanic victims claims to have taken a photo of a ghost. The ghost reportedly said “there was room for two people.”
I don’t care about Disney lying about my Prince Charming. I’m more pissed about forest creatures and their unwillingness to clean my house.
Do bodybuilding exterminators have better traps?
Him: I have successfully bred the first bald porcupine
Me: How pointless
Personal trainer: What’s your goal?
Me :To pet all the dogs…
Trainer:No your fitness goal
Me: To run fast enough to pet all the dogs
So UBER is not a dating app?
*sigh*
I kinda thought all those ‘Goodbye’ kisses seemed more awkward than usual.
My anaconda don’t want none unless you use proper grammar and avoid using double negatives.
How to make infinite energy.
Son: Can you teach me about fractions? Me: Sure. I love 2/3 of my children.
Interviewer: Your resume appears to have a few holes in it
Me: Yeah that would be from the ferrets
Dear makers of women’s clothing, Pants pockets should be like poetry: DEEP ENOUGH TO BE MEANINGFUL.
Give yourself something to look forward to tomorrow: Text a friend, “I think you owe me an apology,” then turn off your phone and go to bed
It’s an unspoken rule on garbage day that pajamaed neighbors pretend not to see each other.
Old lady: I swallowed a spider in my sleep
Doctor: that’s quite normal
Old lady: and then a bird
Doctor: what
Did my parents think they could just blindly support my choice to wear Capri pants at age 13 without there being any consequences?
Work in retail. If we say it’s not out the back, it’s not. But you pricks insist so we say fine and take a free break. Once I was hungover so took a cheeky nap, came out 15mins later pretending I’d looked EVERYWHERE. She was so grateful I tried, told my manager I was fantastic.
The great thing about Twitter is that it gives everyone a platform to be heard.
The worst thing about Twitter is that it gives everyone a platform to be heard.
Bread:
-Good
-Tasty
-Has not yelled at me
-Is bread
-Can be eaten
-Might sing (unconfirmed)
-Only contains more bread within (confirmed)
-Does not treat me differently just because I am not bread
-Has never attacked me
-Is not something bad like falling over or never eating bread
My kid was struggling to solve a complex math problem and tried unsuccessfully to ask Alexa for help. Being the responsible parent I am, I explained the best way to crowdsource a solution is to post the wrong answer on Reddit and 500 peeps will correct you in minutes.
Nobody is as conflicted as a Jewish zombie about to eat Kevin Bacon.
me: *eating spaghetti sandwich*
carb god: *rubbing biscuit hands together* goood goood
ONLINE BOYFRIEND: “Why do you have so many socks?”
ME: [hiding my octopus tentacles while on webcam] “Haha, no reason. They are just fun to have.”
Just telling everybody I meet that I’m a Viking, nobody checks
Crashed my car reading a billboard that said “don’t text and drive”
Me: My heart is full.
Cardiologist: Yes, that’s the problem.
The guy at work who giggles every time the clock hits 4:20 can’t figure out why he keeps getting “randomly” drug tested.