Dr. to my 9 yr old son: So you’ll pee in this cup…
*9 starts giggling
Dr.:
9: We’re not allowed to say ‘pee.’
Me,rubbing my temples: We say ‘tinkle.’
Dr: E-
Me: YES EVEN THE ADULTS
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Me: *sets alarm for 7am*
Brain: Sounds important! I’m going to go ahead and wake you up three hours early
The new deodorant I bought doesn’t tell me how many hours of coverage it provides. I’m a ticking time bomb over here.
[First date]
Her: Are you literally WEARING a red flag?
Me: Yes, do you like it? Hey! Come back!
H: I think we should see other people.
Me: Do I have to? I don’t even really want to see you.
I follow mattress delivery trucks around all day, because I like the smell of freshly braked bed.
Don’t know whether to be disturbed or enchanted that the word sesquipedalian is onomatopoetic
Her: I’m pregnant!
Bob Ross: [shocked] That’s…a mistake.
Her: Well we didn’t plan it, but don’t you always say-
Bob Ross: THAT is about PAINTING, Linda!
Um, hi. How much is the rent for this amazing apartment?
Ma’am, this is the wine aisle of the grocery store.
I make up for those people who jog in place at red lights by eating snacks while lying down in bed.
My theory is, “things can’t be too bad if I can still laugh about it”
This has led to me making jokes at WILDLY inappropriate times
[at a movie theater]
Cashier: Can I help u?
Me: One large cornpop please
C: Sir it’s the other way around
Me: Ok- can I help u?
AC changed “self-love” to “seldom love.” So my phone and I are now in couples therapy.
Will I understand The Matrix if I haven’t seen The Matrviii? Will I understand sex if I’ve never had seix?
A good way to get out of a conversation is to take off one of your socks and hand it to the person talking…
I got a pet hyena because someone has to laugh at my tweets…
Im not dating any guy with hair longer than mine. I refuse to compete for pretty hair.
When having guests over for lunch, once I’ve prepared the meal is it rude of me to leave?
I asked my daughter to make me a Pinterest board of what she’d like to redecorate her room and I just opened it up to see nothing but a bunch of pictures of people holding fistfuls of cash
Anyone who tells you to get kids to help more around the house has never asked kids to help more around the house.
When I think about ‘running a tight ship’ I’m reminded that I’m more of a ‘walking a loose boat’ kinda girl.
“Honey, I’m pregnant”
“Are you kidding me?”
“That’s another way of saying it, I guess, yeah”
My neighbor mentioned that her husband has baby soft feet, and don’t think I’m not going to bring that up every time I see him from now on.
The traffic must be horrendous in a red light district
You hear the words “gamer girl bath water” and suddenly you all know what a bath is
GF: I’m leaving you
Me: WHAT? WHY?
GF: You’re too afraid to take risks
Me: [Softening Doritos under a tap before eating them] THATS BULLSHIT
The pig jumped into bed with my 6-year-old all by herself.
It was super cute.
Then the pig threw up all over her.
Considerably less cute.
I can’t remember if Moses was DC or Marvel
A chia pet tampon so you can have a lil sheep for your troubles.
Are all the non essential oils out of work now?