Guys disappear for days then say “wyd” ….no mf what were YOU doing!!
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Was going to rob a bank today, but the pen was chained to the desk.
Me: *puts mistletoe over our heads* oooh you know what this means
Dementor: what the hell
Nothing like that magical moment when you find your 7yo playing quietly in his room, ‘cause he just brought in real bugs to feed his imaginary lizard.
For 21 years i wasnt allowed to sit on the arm of my aunties couch, today my auntie gave me that couch. Here are the pictures she recieved
[feeding the cat]
Me: Here’s your food, Buddy.
Cat: Buddy is the dog’s name.
Me: Gosh, you’re right. Sorry.
Cat: I’m really hurt.
Me:
Cat: JK, I never listen to a fricken thing you say anyway.
My favorite sport ? Lasagna
An apple a day keeps the doctor away unless you try to swallow one whole
Me: Door knobs are for losers. Just kick it in.
Anger Management Coach: *takes off glasses and starts silently crying*
Blessed is the one who can fall asleep before the snoring partner
Me (naked): This feels amazing.
My boss: Maybe you should take the day off.
This medicine says I should not operate heavy machinery, so I guess I won’t be doing laundry for the next two weeks. Safety first.
No one should be surprised that so many tweets are about unhappiness and failure. You don’t end up on Twitter by making good life decisions.
[Tracking an animal]
Me: *tastes the soil* Just as I thought. Dirt.
Me: SORRY I HAVE TO HANG UP I’M HEADING INTO A TUNNEL
* hangs up land-line *
Neighbor thinks I’m stalking her. Any time she hears a noise she is purified. Petrified!
Sorry, not easy reading a diary thru binoculars.
Saying “I’m practicing social distancing”
-everyone doing it
-not very exciting
-no varietyExclaiming “keep your hands off me good sir!”
-classy
-are you a character in a victorian novel?
-implies someone would want to touch you
Boss: And you’re not showing the new people around until you stop referring to the washroom as “where the magic happens”
[After my wife ate my bag of M&Ms I was saving for later]
Wife: You’re being so over-dramaticMe *texting her back from motel room* am I
My 3yo just had the biggest meltdown and at one point he yelled “I’m going to sneak out of my room in the middle of the night and barricade the kitchen and so nobody in the family can eat food ever again” and I just don’t know. No parenting book could have prepared me for him.
the guy who named Newfoundland really didn’t try at all, did he?
I like to put up Christmas decorations in stages. This is the stage where I sit on the couch with lasagna and stare at the boxes.
I was disappointed to find out a sexagenarian is someone in their 60s and not a career option.
Today, I shall mostly be drawing little moustaches and monocles on all the spermatozoa in the biology textbooks at the library.
They should do a mario kart but in real life, where fast cars race around a track and the person who finishes first is declared the winner.
As a parent you get to see just how much a baby accomplishes in its first year of life. Because you’re awake for all of it.
I need a new salt grinder but I need one full of just Xanax because salt is bad for you.
me: do you take walk-ins
morgue: what
Luke, I am your uncle.
Luke, I am your third cousin.
Luke, I am your grandmother.– Skywalker family reunion
Me: Do you have any wrongdog?
“Ugh fine what’s wrongdog”
Me: thank you so much for asking I’m doing terrible
I’ve had whole relationships shorter than the Game of Thrones opening credits.