if you play guitar in a band, always make sure to look like it hurts to play
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6: Mommy where are you putting your cameltoe this year?
Me:
6: I like it
Me: It’s mistletoe son
me, to shovel salesman: [at a shovel store] how’s this do with like dirt & stuff?
shovel salesman: i’m not gonna bullshit you it’s pretty good
My husband put a few of his items in my luggage. I can’t believe after 31 years I am still dealing with this shit. It’s like he has no idea how selfish I am.
I never thought I’d meet the man of my dreams while I was out running errands in sweat pants with no make-up on. And I was right
Good news, I don’t have the virus. Bad news, I can still taste my cooking.
I just want to walk in to a random workplace, put fish in the microwave for 10 minutes on high. Then just sit back and watch the fireworks.
I tell my kids that thunder means God is shouting; rain means God is crying; and lightning means God is killing Luke Skywalker.
It’s getting disrespectful how long it takes for me to scroll to my birth year
It’s almost like those two bowls of chili made me sleepy
Asking your stay-at-home wife what exactly she did all day is a fun way to bleed.
me: i think the leg needs to be amputated.
doctor: don’t worry it’s just a mosquito bite.
me: i know but it’s so itchy.
The opposite of Lorelai is Loretellsthetruth,
In a hotel room. The dog’s growling and whimpering. My wife’s worried the neighbours will think we’re having sex.
I hate when I miss the garbage truck and just have to throw trash in the neighbors hot tub again
When the doctor told me I only had six months to live, I killed him violently with his own pencil.
Worked a treat.
Got me twenty years.
never ask a starfish for directions
I asked my wife if she thought alligators could get aids and she showed me all these studies on how their blood can be used to fight autoimmune diseases and then I didn’t have the heart to tell her I was just trying to make a Gatorade joke.
If I post camping pics I’m being held against my will
Me: You’re SURE you know how to cut hair?
Wife: I told you I watched a YouTube video
Turkey: *mumbles*
President: Pardon?
Turkey: Thanks, so long sucker
*holding huge scissors*
I hereby declare The Factory That Makes High Voltage Wires That Look Like Ceremonial Ribbons officially open for-
Why did Norway put barcodes on their military boats?
So they could…..Scan da Navy in!
It’s that pottery scene from Ghost except it’s me standing behind the Subway sandwich artist helping him make my sandwich.
Anyone who didn’t invent something in the 1400s was an idiot
No YOU are a drama queen said the fainting goat to the opossum.
One time I put the burnt side of a grilled cheese face down on my child’s plate and almost got away with it.
When people post about their 5 year olds, they’re talking about wine right?
the only other single person at this wedding is my nephew fml
*spins in circles*
*dies*
*gets stuck in corner*
*dies*
*spins in circle*
*dies*
[Me playing Call of Duty with my son]
*smokes fat doobie*
*enters hotdog eating contest*
*sets Guinness World Record*
*gets disqualified for using performance-enhancing drugs*