“ I got more tattoos than I do friends”
That’s saying a lot since I only have one tattoo.
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My husband wants to make cauliflower crust pizza so now I have to run to the grocery store and find a new husband.
It’s so strange, my 5 yr old is only “starving to death” when he hears the word “bedtime”
What a random, consistent, coincidence
Why couldn’t the pirates play cards?
The captain was standing on the deck.
#CardPlayingDay #RubbishJokes #DadJokes
I believe we’re entering the ‘training for hell’ phase of summer.
Of all the typos I’ve seen on here, “terrorists synthesizer” is one of my favourite.
I just tested negative for patience.
[First day as a psychic]
Me: I’m sensing a lot of disappointment.
Wife: Shut up and turn the light off. I have work in the morning
English is kinda weird but I’m so glad it isn’t a gendered language. It is none of my business what gender bread identifies as.
They say, “don’t hate the player, hate the game,” but I’ve got enough hate to do both.
Apparently Bird Box is not a KFC $5 fill up. I know this now…
Can’t trust CNN? Next thing ya know Nigerian royalty sending me emails will be fake.
popsicle not seeing heaven 😭
I think Australians should have to go 3 rounds in the ring with a kangaroo before they eat him.
Me: I’m just really tired, like, I only have enough brain power to think “where’s Kate Middleton?”
Therapist: Oh I haven’t really kept up on that
Me: OH HO HO
YOU, OBLIVIOUS TO CLIMATE CHANGE: *dies*
ME, OBSESSED WITH CLIMATE CHANGE: *dies more meaningfully*
I never feel quite so uncertain as when I’m walking the dog and a neighbor driving by waves to me but my free hand has a bag of poop in it.
My Dr. told me about a new med he wanted me to try and offered that there are some sexual side effects to which I replied “yeah I don’t do that!” instead of nodding quietly like a normal human.
Wearing shirts of bands you don’t listen to is like refusing to eat the cupcake, but cool walking around with frosting all over your face.
M: that’s
O: not
R: how
O: acronyms
N: work
I, too, am shocked Ted Cruz has had sex. I just assumed his kids were born when he ate after midnight and got wet like in the movie Gremlins
Welcome to middle age. “I carried a watermelon” has gone from movie quote to something you tell your orthopedist.
“Get your cup off the table” has a whole other meaning when your a baseball mom.
I pulled a hamstring and a pig fell from the ceiling and gave me a hug
As someone who got the J&J shot last week, so far my only side effect has been the ability to control geese with my mind
@funTweeters “Bird Box 2” 2019. Rated:R. Run time: 6 minutes 11 seconds. Plot: Nightmarish aliens who invaded Earth and have killed, or forced into hiding, most of the population commit mass suicide after encountering the one force they didn’t count on…Chuck Norris.
I don’t care how much you pay for sushi- you are getting a raw deal.
Bird: *flies into my office window*
Me: yeah, same.
[dentists]
technician: you want a local anaesthetic?
me, a hipster: how local are we talking?
Those plastic bags in the produce department that are so hard to get open are designed to keep your ego in check. Its intentional.
Person: How do you go to the bathroom?
Me [from my wheelchair]: I drink a lot of fluid and after a few hours, my body tells me it needs to come out.