My wife found out I was cheating when she found the letters I’d been hiding.
She said, she’s never playing Scrabble with me again.
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NEIL DIAMOND: hands, touchin’ hands, reachin’ out, touchin’ me, touchin’ you
WALMART HR: ok so let’s go over the proper way to greet customers
My cat is trying to kill me. 🤣
“Here’s your cup of Joe” – Joe at the sperm bank
ME [licks finger to turn page of the book I’m reading]
WIFE: You’re ruining that Kindle
If you can get the pronouns right for a boat you can get them right for a person
When people shorten words for no reason it makes me want to commit murds.
My idea to call our weekend bicycling group the “Pedalphiles” was not well-received AT ALL.
Guys.You can’t make everyone happy, so just concentrate on me
My funeral instructions to my family were to have me cremated, and I told my best friends under no circumstances should I be cremated.
Hey baby, just call me Uranium because I’m:
-Solid
-Highly dense
-Pale in color
-Flexible
-I’ll probably poison you if you hang around me too long.—me flirting with a chemist
Website: You can’t use your last 5 passwords
Me: Stop flexing that you have a better memory than I have.
[walks into restaurant] hello, do you serve chicken?
hostess: we sure do
[holding the door for my chicken friend] perfect
The secret society of the bean keepers is called the leguminati.
my son referred to me as “the 6 dwarfs” because I’m “everything except happy,” and honestly I’m not even mad, that was amazing
[Donald Duck opens gift]
Daisy: It’s pants. Try them on!
Donald: [stands] STOP TRYING TO CHANGE ME WOMAN
*sees husband cry as i walk down the aisle at our wedding*
is this priest bothering you?
Friend is being kicked out of his flat that has a garden because the landlord wants to charge much, much higher rent. Friend has carefully removed every single thing he planted. Landlord: “it’s worth more with all the f***ing plants, how am I meant to get more rent now?!”
Work in IT. Spend most days in server room doing “urgent security patches”. I have a gaming pc in there disguised as a server and I just play games all day. Have done this since 2017. I get praise from my boss for being so hot on security issues. On 50k a year + getting bonuses.
I hope you prayed for me in church today.
There’s nothing I have going on, I just like the attention.
Thx
It doesn’t qualify as a murder mystery unless the detective describes the crime in detail, turns to the least likely person in the room and says, “but you probably already knew that… didn’t you?”
If tennis rules were chasing the ball and bringing it to your opponent without letting him have it, my dog would be the best in the world.
Eating fruit loops out of a plastic baggy on the train and nodding at a baby doing the same thing.
I’m like a fuckin’ origami expert when I’m down to the last sheet of toilet paper.
Runners who don’t win the race suffer defeet.
Why, in the name of heck, do they call it a “fun-size” candy bar when the fun part is getting more candy, not less? 🍫😠
Alcohol is like Lysol for feelings, it won’t kill all of them.
[After performing the Dirty Dancing lift at our wedding]
ME: Well that sure impressed them!
WIFE [gasping for breath] You’re getting heavier
@MissNaughty1801 @funTweeters I love my boys eldest is getmeabeer youngest is whatthefuck
Bruce Willis: There are four elements, right?
Producer: Go on…
Bruce: What if there was a FIFTH element
Producer: Love it
Bruce: Ok, you know there are five senses…
[Half an hour later]
Producer: Please, I have a family
Bruce: So what if there were TWELVE monkeys?
Come on royal family, it’s not that difficult to name your 3rd child. I have 3 sons, Dustin, Jacob and what’s-his-face.