Shoutout to everyone who remembers the days before satnavs, when you’d go to visit someone on the outskirts of London and 4 hours later you’d pass Big Ben for the 2nd time while screaming
You Might Also Like
Pro Tip: Make sure you wear your Fitbit on your dominant hand so you get credit every time you lift an ice cream cone to your mouth.
Your Twitter audience
Expectations vs. Reality
Once nice thing about working from home? I can be asleep in bed, realize I have a meeting in three minutes, and be dressed and in front of my computer two and a half minutes later. Still drunk, mind you, but dressed.
Every morning I have to check my shoes for scorpions. We don’t have scorpions in Illinois people just hate me.
8: does my meal come with puppypuffs?
me: wut
8:
me: OH hush puppies?
8: oh. Yea
H: How’s your day?
M: Just about to wine down.
H: You mean wind?
M: nope
This text is literally my relationship with my mother:
My 7 year old asked me if he could have a poster of an “artist named Eminem” and I flexed on him by telling him how I saw Eminem live in his hometown of Detroit.
dating my last boyfriend was like being on the bachelor but not knowing I was on the bachelor
My coworkers think I’m always busy but I’m really just trying to remember my password.
me: wheres the 13th floor?
builder: we skip it in all our buildings
me: what why
builder:
me:
builder: *embarrassed* too spooky
Commas make a big difference. For example “Don’t eat that, grandpa” has a very different meaning than “,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,”
I moved to LA 9 months ago and I’ve just been circling around this whole time looking for a parking spot.
The whole “bad boy” thing is fun until you have kids with him. Ooh you drank away the diaper money? That’s soooo hot
Make any conversation awkward by pulling out and starting a stopwatch without saying why you’re doing it.
Why don’t they make Neapolitan ice cream but with 3 better flavors?
I actually turned on the light so the Roomba could “see” where it was going, so I’m not exactly firing on all cylinders today.
I draw tombstones in sand at the beach beside couples who draw hearts and shit.
We don’t need people like that in this world.
Nobody ever says “OMG I saw your twin!” and shows you a picture of somebody attractive. It’s always like “OMG I saw your twin!” and then it’s a picture of a half-eaten sandwich in the garbage
I’ll never understand why people buy dogs from breeders when growing your own is free and far more rewarding.
Macaroni Grill closed four locations here. I suspect the tendency of macaroni to fall through the grill had a lot to do with it.
you got a fast car
I got a plan to jump in front of it
Wife: You’re going to be a great Dad one day
Me: And you’ll make a great Mom one day too
Son: *From the basement* WHEN
Policeman: Name please?
Woman: Cheryl Cole
Policeman: Your FULL name
Woman: (quietly) Chernobyl Coleslaw
If you haven’t left a store carrying your screaming kid surfboard style you’re not really parenting.
My doctor told me I have acute appendicitis and I said “Compared to who!?”
If I had known I could hurt myself just by sneezing I wouldn’t have been in such a hurry to grow up
My Ex told me once that more people would like me if I buttered them up, but in real people ran away when I step towards them with a butter knife.
If Sesame Street really cared about children they’d realize Big Bird could feed a hungry family for a month.
* Wins lottery
* Blows it all on a pack of decent razor blades