Writing some Valentines, do girls prefer to be called “slick” or “chief”???
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“Siri, what are the side effects of Valium?” I mumbled into the tv remote.
instead of a movie based on a book, they should make a movie based on two books, like The Babysitters Fight Club
once i realized that sugar is from cane and is clearly a vegetable, the diet really came together on its own
“Sure, I get it!”
– Me, not getting it
Maybe I’m old fashioned, but I just want a girl who gets at least 100 likes on every selfie.
If the Twitter algorithm actually understood me, my targeted ads would all be wine and sandwiches.
So many women brag about finding chips in their cleavage… But if you really want to impress a man, you pull out a meatloaf.
Me: It’s ok if they stay a little damp
Automatic hand dryer: I SHALL DRIVE THE WATER FROM YOUR VERY BONES
Alexa play Metallica…
Alexa play Metallica…
Alexa play Metallica…
Wife: what are you doing?
Me: Trying to get this piece of shit to play some music
Wife: Well 1st off, that’s my coffee thermos you moron…
How many calories are in Twitter beef?
I don’t know who started the malicious rumour I’m mostly mole but I’m going to keep digging.
Wife: Could you be dehydrated?
Me: Of course not.
W: How much water have you had?
Me: Two coffees & a bourbon.
W: Wow.
Me: Told you.
Breaking news:
[GOD INVENTING THE AVOCADO]
Make a banana annoying.
Breathe in deeply, eat a rotisserie chicken, breathe out.
If you’re ever worried about what people think, just remember that people once thought smoking cured asthma. People are dumb.
(Husband asks to see my phone)
Swallows phone like a boa constrictor.
I’m quiet and not great about confronting neighbors, so I renamed our wifi Everyone Hates Your Rooster, Greg.
I could never be a serial killer. There’s far too much cleaning.
I saw her biting her bottom lip so I threw her a cupcake. Poor girl must have been starving.
Worm CEO cuts workforce in half, doubles productivity
Judge: and how does the defendant plead
Lawyer: like this your honor *makes whiny voice *nooo I didn’t do any crimes*
Judge: HAH do it again
Blind Date
Me: I’ve read “The Catcher in the Rye” 5 times.
Him: I like watching Swamp People – they catch gators. What are they catching in your book?
[later on]
Him to his friend: Nah she drinks too much.
Mood.. 😂
Realtor: Full disclosure, this house is haunted.
Me: ok cool.
~6 mos later~
Ghost: Don’t you wanna go out with your live friends tonight?
Me: No silly! YOU’RE the only friend I’m ever going to need! Let’s talk some more about my childhood.
Ghost: [quietly sobs]
Her: Look, I made a huge mistake hooking up with you, OK? I love my boyfriend.
Me: Yea, I could really sense that when you were taking my belt off with your teeth…
I wonder what song The Little Mermaid was singing when she viciously ripped a clam in half to make that cute bikini top
Boyfriend: I’m home! (looks into garbage can) Hey. Did you eat like five candy bars today?
Me: AM I UNDER INVESTIGATION HERE!?*
*i did
Instruments were designed to be actually played, not “air played,” Kirk.
My wife is in the kitchen and she will not bring me a beer here in the living room. That’s it…gonna text her and say “I cannot believe how lazy you are.