Yes, but it was never about money
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Every time I get an eyelash in my eye, I’m reminded of how quickly I would die in the wild.
Dear Couples Who Fight In Public, stop trying to whisper and would it kill you to include some backstory.
my boyfriend told me he would not love if I were a worm. Which wouldn’t bother me except for the fact that I didn’t ask
Why it’s called a cellular membrane and not a gene-jacket I’ve no idea.
I bet the worst part about kidnapping someone is knowing they are just sitting there in your trunk, judging your choice in music.
#ImNotWorriedCuz I’ve got a license
I’m dressing for the weather I desperately want, not the weather I currently have.
My girlfriend broke up with me because I kept saying “it’s a-me” before introducing myself to people
a thing that’s important in friendship is seeing something weird, taking a picture of it, then sending it to them and saying “that’s you”
[playing the game of life]
instructions: the player with the most money wins
me: *eyes wide* this game is so realistic
Please disregard what I said in an earlier tweet. Just learned the ducks in the park are not “free ducks” and you’re NOT allowed to take one
what’s the proper waiting period after your spouse is kidnapped until you can resume watching your Netflix shows without it being a thing
A couple is asleep when their doorbell rings at 3am.
The wife shakes the husband and says “Honey, there’s someone at the door.”
The husband, irritated gets up and opens the door to an obviously drunk man.
“Can I help you?”
“Could you give me a push?” asks the drunk man.…
I hate when my camera rings, in the middle of a selfie.
You have to be careful with people. You give someone the wrong look and they’ll tell you their whole life story.
*at the pond*
“hon—there’s something i need to ask you”*emotional* yes?
*blows duck call*
*ducks on water arrange to spell out ‘TACOS?’*
Donkey I Shreked the Kids
Told all my coworkers I shaved my beard but that was a bald-faced lie
#MakeAFilmUncomfortable The Godfather – With Benefits
She loves me
[forgets to run the dishwasher]
She loves me not
Her: What superpower would you choose?
Me: *sweating* Definitely the USA or China.
Okay, raise your hand if you put raisins in your oatmeal cookies.
Great. Now, make a fist with that hand & punch yourself in the face.
14 y.o.: OMG MOM!!!! Are you okay?!?! Do you need some water? Are you having a heart attack? Why does your face look like that?
⠀
Me: I’m not having a heart attack, I just ran for five minutes.
When you gaze into the abyss, the abyss also gazes into you, wraps a towel around itself and screams oh wait that’s my neighbor haha Hi Pam!
Mistook a discarded plastic bag for a rat today as the wind blew it across my path. On the plus side, I can now perform the ‘Gangnam Style’.
*I need to eat better*
post donut clarity
“Release the Kraken!”
…
“Well?”
“We released him. He just took off. It’s not like he was trained or anything.”
…
“Release the tuna!”
SON: Daddy, what’s the river that flows through New York
ME: It’s The Hudson
HIM: The Hud. Ok. Thank you.
WIFE: Oh ffs
“Did you remember to take the dog out?”
Ah crap, I forgot
[Dog storms in] I sat at the restaurant for HOURS