Wish we had the power of at least one ‘do over’ in our lives. I used mine up in the 1st grade and winning at hopscotch wasn’t worth it.
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The secret society of the bean keepers is called the leguminati.
Me: [to my sister] Oh yeah? If I’m not mom’s favorite, then why am I the only one she ever asks to housesit when she takes everyone on vacation each summer?
Is it just me, or are fewer and fewer mustachioed cads tying women to the train tracks these days?
If life was fair, salad would cause weight gain, and we’d have to eat a lot of chocolate to lose it all back.
That awkward moment when someone asks if you’ve dyed your hair and you say no, its just clean.
[my mom pretends to answer her phone] hello? oh hi Batman…i dunno if he’s eating his vegetables or not
me: [mouth full of broccoli] i am!
They grow up so fast. My nephew lost his first tooth Saturday night
In a fight a with a bouncer
My boss called me lazy and said I had poor communication skills… I almost responded
I think I found a perfect place for Spongebob.
Payday: BUY ALL THE THINGS!!
Day Before Payday: I would like to pay for this taco in pennies.
S O O N
[The Beatles writing Here Comes The Sun]
Paul: so what should come after here comes the sun?
[Ringo screams from bathroom]: Doo Doo, Doo Doo
Kevin Hart said that he has turned down roles because the characters were gay, which is weird because I didn’t think he knew the word “no.”
I won’t get excited until Twitter adds a button that lets me correct mistakes in other people’s tweets.
Kanye West builds a time machine so he can interrupt himself interrupting Taylor Swift.
me: [offering joint] wanna hit
giraffe:
me: nvm ur already high lol
[later]
scientist: we’ve never seen a giraffe eat a human before
GF: um—you said you had something important to show me
[a fat little penguin waddles by wearing a monacle]
ME: YOU WERE SUPPOSED TO WAIT
When witches and warlocks correspond about their carnal passions, they’re hexting
Holding back your crazy is like sucking in your fat. Eventually it’s gonna come out.
Son won’t eat sandwich I made him but will lick dog bowl
17 asked if we owned a vacuum. I’m gonna need a minute
My Chihuahua every time someone knocks on the door
My friend says her Dr told her she’s underweight but I stopped listening because I cannot relate at all.
I asked my son if he wanted his sandwich on toast for lunch, and he said, “I’ll make it myself because you and the toaster aren’t friends.”
Just another unrealistic body expectation for women
Anytime I am searching the stock room at work and a coworker asks “Looking for something?” I jump out of my skin, and its not from them sneaking up on me, it’s b/c that’s what villains says when they have something you need, or they’ve caught you trying to escape their evil lair
instagram reminding me of when my little brother ruined a pair of shoes for a class project on entrepreneurship
[1st date]
me: do you want kids?
her: Yes
me: GREAT [pulls 7 babies out from under table] HERE’S MINE HAVE FUN GOTTA GO
And where the back of the wardrobe should have been, one passed through until the air grew cold and one could feel the brush of pine trees. This Ikea wardrobe is terrible.
How come NASA sending their black hole to everyone is “Breaking News,” but me sending mine is an “HR violation?”