idk flipping houses looks really hard
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How to open new toy:
1. Cut tape with machete.
2. Take shot.
3. Undo 23,518 twist ties.
4. Take 3 shots.
5. Watch child play with box.
Me: My wife got me a telescope for Christmas.
Neighbor: Nice. I got-
Me: I know. I watched you guys open everything
All microwaveable popcorn packages should be accompanied by dental floss
[china shop]
Bull: *walks in*
Shopkeeper: oh no
Bull: I’d like to speak to your manager
Shopkeeper: OH NO
I’ll stop wearing black when they make a darker color
I’m 97% positive that my working from home situation will be negatively impacted by the fact that I’m downloading Fallout 4 on my work laptop right now.
Him “You run like a gazelle.”
Me “I’m graceful?”
Him “No. You’d be easy prey for a mountain lion.”
My neighbor upstairs bought a new treadmill and I accidentally just shot five holes in my ceiling.
My boyfriend doesn’t believe in putting his clothes away so I decided to stop believing in doing the dishes.
I enjoy quaint, old-fashioned customs like being nice to people.
Wow, it’s a shame that I’ve already accepted another job.
You’re not officially a teacher unless someone you live with has told you that they’re not one of the children in your class and you can’t speak to them like that.
OTHER BOY: why are we all here anyway
ME: I think it’s for the milkshakes
LACTOSE INTOLERANT BOY IN THE YARD: oh no
The Face ID on my phone doesn’t recognise me when I’m smiling. It does, however, recognise me when I have a mouthful of food.
911: 911
Me: I’m being chased
911: in your car?
Me: no in theirs
911: wh—
Me: how do I turn the sirens on?
hey, teens who listen to classic rock: you were probably conceived to some of your favorite songs.
I bought someone’s groceries today and it felt really good… I took a cart that looked like it had what I needed, bought it and left. Saved a lot of time grocery shopping. Amazing feeling.
FOR THE LAST TIME, MY EYES ARE UP HERE
I yelled at my gynecologist
[At the Dr]
Me: but the voices won’t stop.
Dr: those are people, they’re allowed to talk.
My son was so excited to get a text from his beloved mama, he responded only eight hours later with a heartfelt “aight.”
“Hermit crab” describes me twice.
“Ma’am, are you aware that you were going 92 in a 55? I’m gonna need you to step out of the car.”
“Um, I have a boyfriend.”
Telling a woman she’s being unreasonable is like juggling lit torches while waist deep in gun powder.
Become a parent, so you can be accused of “using up all the internet” when Fortnite glitches for a millisecond.
How old are you?
Me: *panics*
Me: *trying to math it out*
Me: *forgets birth year*
Me: * forgets current year*
Me: *runs away*
6: Mom will you play with me?
Me: Sure buddy
6: Yay! Okay you can sit right there, you don’t even have to get up!
Me: ʸᵒᵘ’ʳᵉ ᵐʸ ᶠᵃᵛᵒʳᶦᵗᵉ ᵏᶦᵈ
saw girl I have crush on with her new fiance at Ikea but you know what they say, when God closes a Stǿrås Innjørdën he opens a Főnstǝrviviǵ
Me: All these people posting wacky things they did in lockdown. I WAS TOO BUSY.
Also Me: *remembering the household playing ‘Hide the Onion’, where one person hides an onion & if you find the onion, you declare the onion found & re-hide the onion. This went on for 2 months*
I want to be featured on the news and the caption below me to read *unintelligible screaming*.