to a guy who shits on people’s lawns, everything looks like a lawn
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Wife: “Did you know that some idiot paid $96,000 for Princess Leia’s gold bikini?”
Me: [nervously tightening my robe] “Who would do that?”
Them: “I hate to be a…”
Me: “Then don’t.”
*aliens return to ship*
ALIEN LEADER: Where are the humans?
“We left them”
AL: Why?
“They didn’t look anything like their selfies in rl”
The Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles wore masks to hide their identities from all the other walking and talking turtles
CONTRACTOR: a 5-gallon bucket is the best tool I own
ME, entering buffet: same
My husband found me lying on the sofa and told me that the kitchen was a complete mess. I said, “I know. That’s why I’m not in there.”
They were testing a machine that calculates your age based on your reflexes. Turns out I am 140 years old.
Teen, watching the halftime show: WOW. How old are these people?
Me: JUST LET ME HAVE THIS ONE THING WITHOUT RUINING IT FOR ME.
There’s a spider that’s been in the same place on my living room wall for an hour so he’s essentially also watching Shrek.
*runs in place*
*cracks knuckles*
*stretches neck*
*takes a deep breath**heads toward buffet*
Why is it so dry under the lawn chairs? Cause the lawn canopy
Catfishing my ex… So you could say we’re back together.
What do you mean I didn’t win I ate more wet t-shirts than anyone else
I almost just turned down a beer.
Calm down, I said almost.
Ankles by my ears? What is this? Cirque du Soleil??
Where have you been all my life? Please go back there.
Margaret Thatcher died?? And more importantly, Margaret Thatcher was still alive??!!
Does anyone know where I can hire a pirate ship, a sturdy crew and a young boy who can read haunted treasure maps? The reason? It’s… for a podcast I’m doing.
My Fitbit just congratulated me that I just hit my 10k step goal.
I’m laying on the couch.
Good morning to everyone except the people who prefer the taste of margarine over butter.
Tried on a pair of skinny jeans and I looked like a full cereal bag that you’re trying to force back inside the box.
King’s men: sorry your highness…we couldn’t put Humpty Dumpty back together again
King (drunk af): let the horses try
I woke up hoping for an easy morning, then my 3 year old came downstairs and informed me that she wasn’t planning on using her hands today. This should be fun.
I treat people the way I would like to be treated and that is why I will never give you driving directions that start with Go east.
Potty training my twins is like the Titanic’s maiden voyage… In the beginning we are excited, in the end everyone is crying and all wet.
imagine being born on january 1st, you gotta wait a whole year just for it to be your birthday lol
I assume anyone sitting alone in a car in the dark corner of a grocery store parking lot is waiting to meet a hitman who is running late.
5-year-old: Why don’t we say Grace?
Me: I don’t know.
5-year-old:
Me:
5-year-old: Is it because your cooking makes God angry?
“I love the Fall, the trees are so pretty”
It’s fall??
“Ya, so what?”
[leaves start attacking everyone]
OMG THE LEAVES HAVE TURNED