What’s that Batman movie quote? “You either die a hero, or live long enough to hit the gas instead of the brake and drive your Buick through the front doors of the pharmacy”?
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Never underestimate the power of karate to save a marriage.
Anyone who can get the straw in the Capri Sun on the first try can make your death look like an accident.
turkey? Nope. I haven’t seen a turkey
Keeping this house spotless is tough, but trying to look busy for the three hours that the maid is here isn’t exactly a walk in the park either.
Deathbed confession
Me: We’re bankrupt
Him: What? How?
Me: I lied about being able to fold fitted sheets. I bought new ones every time
[watching 13 Reasons Why]
WIFE: I can’t believe she had 13 reasons for wanting to die
ME: I know, crazy! Only 13
WIFE: What?
ME: What?
Everyone at Schrödinger’s funeral looking at his coffin
On a scale of quack to quack quack quack quack quack quack quack quack quack quack, what do you think of my duck-based numbering system?
I’ll love you until the end of the egg timer.
Hey girl are you soy sauce because you always “no MSG” me back
Felt bad about hitting a car yesterday but I remembered to leave a note. Didn’t have a pen so I used my key.
My alarm went off way too early today. I tried hitting the snooze button but as it turns out – my kid bites.
Leonardo DiCaprio playing me in the movie of my life, but in the scene where I’m watching Titanic, it’s me playing him.
That day I took a photo of a ghost builder on their way to work carrying their hard hat.
If I die in my sleep, my only request is that you fold me up in my futon and sell it on Craigslist
God: did you name the 2 moons of Mars?
angel: yes, Phobos & Deimos
[turns to 2nd angel]
God: and, what did you name earth’s moon?
angel 2: oh! ummm? the…Moon 🤷♂️
I sleep better naked, why cant the flight attendant understand that?
When is it appropriate to double text someone?
I want my mom to buy some Scooby Doo gummies and she isn’t responding
I better help you finish that whiskey before it spoils.
wife: WHO LOADED THE DISHWASHER?
[cut to me sitting at a bus station waiting to start my new life]
7: mama, I will eat everything you pack in my lunch
me: that’s wonderful
7: except the things I don’t like
me: there it is.
my kid: I’m so hungry, I’ve never been hungrier, I could eat a horse, no wait I could eat a house, I need food right now
me: ok what do you want
my kid: you have to guess
DATE: did I say something to upset you?
ME: *stabbing my pasta extra hard with my fork* everyone is entitled to their opinion about the best ninja turtle, Karen
Pink has done surprisingly well as a solo artist ever since her and Floyd split up.
Professor: most of you won’t pass this course
Me: cool so you’re like, Real shitty at your job
I opened a bottle of wine to let it breathe.
It didn’t. So I gave it mouth to mouth.
How about the No Bucket Challenge? Basically you just give a charity some money and don’t tell anyone about it.
Prof asked if anyone liked comic books. I raised my hand. She didnt add anything or say why it mattered. Just wanted to isolate me socially.