What’s that Hitchcock movie with all the birds in it? The Man Who Flew Too Much? To Hatch a Thief? Suspigeon? Birdigo?
You Might Also Like
Elon Musk is now worth $208 billion.
You want to know how he did it? He skipped 34.67 billion lattes. It’s that easy.
FedEx would be a cool name for a restaurant for divorced couples
One little typo and Secret Santa becomes Secret Satan and nobody asks you to plan the Christmas gift exchange again.
An HGTV show where they help new college graduates decorate their apartment with furniture found exclusively on the side of the road
Got my first date of the year. i mean it’s a court date but I’m dressing up.
My neighbours were listening to some pretty cool music until the arseholes asked me to turn it down.
Accidentally pronounced wifi as “wifey” and the hotel concierge said the password’s helping out around the house and being a good listener.
*Husband playing computer game*
Me: I’m going to go pee.
Husband: *doesn’t look up* OK.
Me: I’m going to pee ALL OVER THE PLACE.
Husband: OK. Enjoy.
“When I’m dead, I’d like you to buy a $9,000 box and throw it down a hole.”
-Humans
Vince Vaughn supports the right to carry guns in public. So if you ever wander into 1 of his movies, you can just shoot yourself.
I made the cats a very scary jack o’lantern with a vacuum cleaner on it.
My 7 yr. old thought it would be really funny to hold up a sign in the back window of the car that said “HELP ME!”. It was not.
“Is it better to be feared, or to be loved?” Cats chose both, and they’re doing fine
*open up knapsack and a parachute comes out*
Kid: But that means-
*Dad is hurtling towards the ground with a sandwich and apple*
What a tense, tense day 4/19 was. Maybe tomorrow, somehow, will be a little mellower.
don’t like how strawberries have their seeds on the outside. kinda freaks me out. put a shirt on u little weirdo
Haha I chopped a jalapeño without wearing gloves and then rubbed my eye pls kill me.
Facebook: Do you know this person?
Me: Yes!
Facebook: Do you want to connect?
Me: Absolutely not.
We cut open the cake at the gender reveal party and out spill thousands of fire ants. The guests howl. FIRE ANTS ARE MOSTLY MALE, I explain
“Wow, haha, this is awkward. I didn’t think anyone was home. Uh…oh well…bears gotta maul…amirite?”
You may find my attraction to Goofy weird, but I don’t give a hyuck.
My boys from the living room:
“I’m telling mom!”
Me from the bedroom:
“don’t come tell mom shit!”
[At the car dealership]
Me: See, this has everything I want, right here
Salesman: Sir, our soda machine is not for sale
My right hand: I’ll hold these three Trader Joe’s bags, your overstuffed tote and one awkward rope handled shopping bag
My left hand: imma pet this doggie
Where did birds even sit to contemplate life before power lines were invented
due to circumstances outside of my control I ended up at an Applebees and let me say it is absolutely phenomenal to have gen z in the work force. the waitress held up a plate, wrinkled her nose, and went “I wanna say these are…ribs?”
7yr old: Mum, what happens if you eat lots of tinsel?
Me: probably emergency surgery to prevent obstruction somewhere in your digestive system.
7yr old: *blank face* *small voice* you get tinselitis.
Lock eyes with woman across the bar. Entire life flashes before my eyes. Courtship. Wedding. Marriage. Kids. 2 boys. Promising athletes. Bigger stronger than everyone. NFL dreams. Puberty. They stop growing. 5’9. Division 3. I snap out of it and hide in the bathroom for 2 hours
I started studying Tai Chi, so I wouldn’t recommend getting in a slow-motion fight with me…
Frontier flight attendant: Sir, I regret to inform you that we are going to have to cancel this flight.
*hands me a parachute*