You can only regret what you remember.
-Tequila
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You know what comes after “leg day”?
Can’t walk up or down stairs day
Why did they call them fad diets and not newtrition.
The advantage in having a lot of children is that statistically speaking, you’re bound to like at least one of them.
[airplane nose dives]
*turns to kid behind
‘Could you please stop kicking my seat!’
I think the Monday after Sunday should always be a day off.
[My son’s 1st day of school]
ME [in tears] it’s just gone way too fast
TEACHER: Even so, you have to take him home now
My grandad used to swear by refrigerators. And televisions. In fact, he was probably the most foul-mouthed member of staff Comet ever had.
[about to go in for emergency surgery]
ME: *slips surgeon a $20* what if you were to give me wings like a giant bird?
Welcome to your 40s: time to go slap mulch bags at home depot.
Me: I need a “pick me up”
Guy working the crane:
ME: Whats the name of that thing that holds beer and keeps it chilled?
WIFE: Cooler
ME: *lights cigarette and runs my fingers through my hair* What’s the name of that thing that holds beer and keeps it chilled, babe?
Wife: Your resolution this year should be to listen to me better.
Me: Bacon would be great, thanks.
If Dracula bit my neck, KFC gravy would just come out
People who clap when the plane lands don’t aim particularly high do they?
Prior authorizations be like:
My doctor: You need this medicine.
Dr to pharmacy: She needs this medicine.
Pharmacy to insurance: Her doctor says she needs this medicine.
Insurance: Does she though? Let’s ask her doctor.
Yes, I have an hourglass figure, as long as the hour was spent speed-eating Hobnobs at a competitive level.
SHE has the mouth of a sailor…
…that recently retired & started a new career as a trucker.
Me: Got your nose!
Baby: *drags from cig* Let me tell you how this is going down. You give me back my nose & maybe I let u walk out of here.
You know it’s a BBQ type holiday weekend when there are a thousand people in the spice aisle at the grocery store just staring at the spices
Your baby’s got pink eye, bronchitis AND a double ear infection?
Are you even trying to keep him alive?
PREGNANT WIFE: oh my god, my water broke!
ME: ok stay calm, i know what to do *googles “how to fix water”*
Women: Be smart. Don’t do this.
Mom: I called you bc I was watching a TV show & thought of you!
Me: Ya? What show?
My Mom (laughing): A show about Aliens!Very funny Mom!
I would be so good at soccer not due to athleticism but due to my keen intellect and my ability to think outside the box. Everyone would be like “Wow he’s using his hands. Nobody has ever thought to do that before”
ME: i dropped acid almost every day for one year
my son Acid: is that why i can’t do math Dad
Teens, you should not being getting drunk. You’re annoying enough as it is
Hey boy, are you an Amazon wish list?
Because I want you so bad, but will forget about you when I sign out.
Gave money to a homeless man. A stranger lectured me on how he’s just going to spend it on drugs and alcohol..
Yeah, OK. Like I wasn’t.
Denmark has a new king and queen we should attack at dawn