You’re pretty cocky for someone with such a small…
….vocabulary.
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My kid just peed himself and then had a tantrum because he couldn’t see his ear.
But congrats on your pregnancy!
I don’t usually share cat things on Twitter. But I’ll make an exception for this.
This creepy guy at work calls me “hun” despite knowing my real name so I’ve started calling him Mulan.
Preparation, pacing, and focus are the keys to success.
I have the dance moves of a dog with mittens on its paws.
*rips finished page from adult coloring book*
*puts it on daughter’s toy kitchen fridge*
You know what would make gang members tougher? Have them start snapping, then do pirouettes in the street.
– Broadway producers
If the CIA has my house bugged they’ve heard several impromptu songs about my dog being a good boy.
Remember when we had to smack the TV cause it wasn’t coming in clearly…I feel that way about too many people
My husband made me a really romantic dinner once. When I finished cleaning the kitchen a week later, I warned him never to do anything like that to me ever again.
And then the devil said, “tell her to calm down.”
It’s actually a little-known fact: Jesus drives a Honda Accord.
Star Wars (1st draft)
Obi Wan: These aren’t the droids you’re looking for
Stormtrooper: Yes they are
OW: No they’re nooot
S: Uh YAH they are
I once had a coworker friend tell me how her son was arrested in another country, and she had to buy gift cards and send them by “special delivery” person who picked them up, to bail him out. I laughed out loud (couldn’t help myself) so hard, she never spoke to me again.
if you’ve successfully completed 7 different impossible missions, perhaps the guy in charge of labeling these missions is being a little dramatic
The worst part about biting the inside of your cheek is that there’s no one to be mad at. Am I gonna be mad at my sandwich? I could never be mad at my sandwich.
Do I just say yes or do I make my group hate me before we even begin this project
[getting kidnapped]
me: you deserve better
Eating vegetables after a failed attempt at picking up your shirt with your toes.
*whispers* forlorn corn.
Me: I’d like to make an appointment for my son.
Doctor’s office: Please hold.
Me: Okay.
Doctor’s office: What is child’s date of birth?
Me: Please hold.
Apparently, you can only say “Look at you! You got so big!” to kids.
Old girlfriends tend to get offended.
Who knew?
coworker: you’re 37? you look younger
me: i let a demon possess me in exchange for external youth
coworker: ha ha *leaves*
demon inside me: you gotta stop saying that someone’s gonna believe you
me: meh. i’m going to the break room for a donut
demon: ooo get a maple bar
I don’t have a lot of notes for pilots, but I do think they should cut their use of the word “final” down to about zero. “Descent” and “destination” work fine for our purposes out there in the main cabin.
Got into a bar fight last night about how to pronounce Steve Buscemi’s name. We later shook hands when Buscemi agreed that I was right
If Justin Beiber and Rebecca Black were both drowning and you could only save one, would you grab a bite to eat or finish mowing the lawn?
“Is it in yet???”
-My ATM, mocking me.
[pretends to answer phone in front of date] why hello… [trying to think of someone cool] GEICO lizard
apparently “spite” is not the appropriate answer to “What motivates you?”
At my funeral, I’d like my family, my closest friends, and a high-pitched squeal no one can locate the source of
I bought a treadmill because I ran out of closet space for my clothes.