Me: Just once?
Dog:
Me: Please?
Dog:
Me: Say, “I’m a law-biting citizen”
Dog: That’s not water in your cup, is it?
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“Finish your peas. Kids in China are starving”
“Finish your math. Kids in America are cheating off the Asian kids”
why are we only commenting our code? we should be liking and subscribing too
Nothing brings me more joy than watching my cats walk across sleeping family members.
When you’re asleep, you aren’t even a person to them.
Or when you’re awake.
[bruce wayne falls into a cave inhabited by a hibernating bear & things turn out very differently]
Given the number of tampon’s wrappers in our trash either my wife is searching for the 1 with a Golden Ticket or shit just got real.
tell em, edith-anne
Baby, it takes two to tango
But only one to tequila.
We have plumbers working in our house. I just heard one of them say “Lefty loosey, righty tighty.” I know we’re in good hands.
doctor: I have bad news and ambiguous news
me: what’s the ambiguous news?
doctor: one of us is dying
I like to forget Instagram exists for weeks at a time then remember and send 83 chubby animal videos to my best friend.
Inventor of the Ouija Board: I have created the most evil family game ever
Inventor of Monopoly: oh, child
How long do you have to wait between naps?
When do you introduce yourself to your new neighbors? Is it after 5 years? Tell me it’s after you hit their mailbox with your car.
The ancient Egyptians loved cat videos.
me: I quit drugs to concentrate on rock climbing
him: nice what’s the highest you’ve been
me: I tried to kiss a goldfish
What do you mean normal people don’t remove their pants to eat dinner
Obama: Joe, look. Full moon
Biden: What? TONIGHT? *starts shapeshifting*
Obama: Joe?
Biden: AARRGHHH
*Gore kicks door down*
Gore: MANBEARPIG
I like to play 20 Questions with my kids but I always ask the questions and every question is “Will you please stop that?”
Angel: Whatcha makin?
God: I call them peanuts. A tasty treat in a protective shell. They’re not really a fruit or vegetable. Most people will love to eat them.
Angel: That sounds innovative-
God: Others will eat them and die
Angel: …is this a prank?
Nothing kept my grandmother from her health and fitness regimen. Every morning, rain or shine, that woman walked five miles each way to the liquor store.
I hope my teeth enjoy these 3 minutes of minty freshness before their 8-hour coffee bath.
Him: *running* That’s not what they mean when they say, “Chicks dig scars!”
Me: *shovel in hand* It’s what this chick means.
Yelp is a fun game where you try to guess between whether a restaurant is bad or a reviewer is crazy.
Excel sheet: People hate me.
Fitted sheet: Join the club.
my dad put my photo on milk cartons when i went missing because he didn’t want vegans looking for his son
I think my wife is having an affair, for two years she claims to have been going to classes, yet still can’t speak a word of Zumba.
I came.
I saw.
I forgot why I went upstairs.
How much wood would Steve Winwood win if Steve Winwood could win wood?