Seeing my kids getting along, laughing, and peacefully playing together is the best fourteen seconds of my day.
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him: hi, I’m Tom
me: nice to meet you uhh…
my brain: cmon he literally just said his name 3 seconds ago
me: m…mom
A customer told me they were never coming back….
If you don’t call ahead of time I won’t answer the door, but I don’t answer phones, so you see the dilemma.
I’m like a potato because I’m:
-not special, but I’m usually likeable
-full of carbs
-not always good for you
-really white under this outer layer
-round
-smashable
-more interesting when I’m salty
-tasty if slathered in butter
my wife asked me “what sounds good for dinner?” so I said “I dunno, what sounds good to u?” and she responded “I’m up for whatever” and now it’s been a week and we’re slowly dying of hunger
Dear commercial pitching me how much my funeral will cost,
It’s not going to cost ME anything.
It’s the shortest day. Mind your head.
THEM: What’s it called when you think about them all the time?
ME: Love.
T: What if it’s about murdering them all the time?
M: Also love.
NOBODY MOVE I JUST LOST A FOLLOWER AND HE IS PROBABLY ALONE AND FRIGHTENED
My therapist thinks I should keep coming in for at least one more washer & dryer
They say 9 or 10 is a good age to tell your kid they were adopted, but only IF they were adopted.
*In the back of an ambulance
Me: Change the radio station
Paramedic: Please don’t speak. You need to save your energy
Me: Im not dying to a Nickelback song
*crawls back into sea to de-evolve*
Mission control: what’s happening up there??
Dutch astronaut: Houston, we hebben een serieus probleem
Apparently everyone was too high in the 70’s when Grease came out to notice that every “student” at Rydell High looked like they were 35
Father, pardon, excuse, exonerate, absolve, acquit, forgive me, for I have synonymed.
We were so high at the movies that I tried find my seatbelt and my friend helped me look for it.
“They grow up so fast.”
– Me, looking at my problems.
fred flintstone was the first ever man to become a vitamin
“Dad can we get a puppy?”
“No but we can get a submarine if you like?”
[2 hours later 3000m beneath the pacific]
“dad I should be at school”
Don’t mistake my kindness for weakness. I am both kind AND weak. I’d like you to recognize them individually.
Me: I look cute today.
Camera: No.
Asked my 5yo how he wanted me to peel his banana, and he said any way, and this is a trap isn’t it
If your tweet gets stolen and posted on Facebook…
It’s your own fault for not making it offensive enough!
You light one person on fire and all of a sudden the police drive by on the daily.
HER: Take a shower with me. 😊
ME: Haha no, I always hog the hot water and you’ll get upset.
HER: Please. 😊[5 minutes later]
HER: I’m so cold…
ME: *mouth around the shower nozzle* GLUG GLUG GLUG
i think i’m too much of a lesbian at this point. i was doing the crossword this morning and the clue was “Suck it!” and i had STRA_…my mind, uh, did not go to “straw”
There is no favoritism shown with our pets. The dog gets new toys and the cat gets the box they were shipped in.
*sees hot guy
*wiggles eyebrows
*licks lips
*winks, contact lens falls into coffee, sips coffee, gags on contact lens*mouths* “call me”
Who called them ‘horses’ and not ‘neigh-sayers?’