Me: How do you guys want your steaks cooked?
Kids: Cook them so they taste like chicken nuggets.
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The closest I’ve come to mastering a martial art is figuring out how to wash my feet in the shower
Got fired from the zoo for giving all the howler monkeys megaphones.
My walk of shame is leaving a handicapped restroom stall while trying not to make eye contact with the wheelchair guy who was waiting on me.
There are two sides to every story. Mine comes with french fries and cole slaw.
My kid force-fed me popcorn so I had to act like I hated it, but it was secretly amazing
The family that dives into an active volcano together stays together.
And then one day we decided we were tired of sleeping in and doing whatever we wanted whenever we wanted in a clean house, and we had kids.
If you want sparkling, sophisticated conversation, catch me early in the month, before I’ve used up my ten free New York Times articles.
Wanted: 6 people to dress up as Zombie Teletubbies and join me in a circle howling at the moon in my neighbor’s arbory
No weirdos
[Sloth Job Interview]
Sloth Boss: How would you describe yourself?
*2 hours later*
Sloth Interviewee: Quick-thinking.
Her: Ugh. Don’t look at me. I’ve put on a little baby weight.
Me: DEAR GOD!! WHY ARE YOU EATING SO MANY BABIES!?
If someone steals your joke, you have to file a LOLsuit
A body cam but for when you send your husband to the grocery store
I can usually tell when a movie doesn’t use real dinosaurs.
me hooking up with my ex
wife: Would you ever want an open marriage?
me *messages every girl in my phone asking if they’d have sex with me* Umm *all respond no* Nah
Carpe DM
I take off my sports bra like everybody else, dislocating one shoulder at a time.
Bad news: I think I may have broken my toe. Good news: the smart car I tripped over will be alright.
It’s so dumb to be on this app, why do I have a diary where people can yell at me
Please stop putting flyers on my windshield in parking lots. I have no desire to see your new band called “Parking Violation”.
Walking my dog we saw a guy in a suit walking his dog and I know my dog is thinking I don’t dress nice for him anymore.
Me: look at this stupid thing lol
Person I want to like me: actually I studied that thing at sea for 3 decades and it’s like a father to me
wife: I saw a baby on the way to work
me: how do you know?
wife: how do I know I saw a baby on the way to work?
me: yeah, did it have a tiny briefcase or something?
wife: what
Spaghetti, because you didn’t like that shirt anyways
dad was helping me with my finances and used a moldy orange to represent my credit score 😕
BUY SUMMER CLOTHES. CRASH YOUR PLANE IN THE ANDES. EAT SUMMER CLOTHES.
I don’t give my children “chores”. I give them “missions” and that change in the name has made my whole life easier.
[Cat outside bathroom door]
LET ME IN
LET ME IN
LET ME IN
I’M DYIIIIING
Oh
Hi there
Thanks for letting me-
I’m bored
I want out
LET ME OUT