“GO TO YOUR ROOM AND STAY THERE”
KID: *goes kicking and screaming*
TEEN: You can’t do this, I have plans tonight
ADULT: Thank you so much
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interviewer: any questions?
me: yes, what are your strengths?
[Beatles recording session]
Ringo: ♫I’d like to be
John: Nice beat
R: ♫Under the sea
Paul: Oh exotic
R: ♫In an octopus’s garden
George: WTF?
Psychiatrist: You saw a doctor before me?
Me: Yes.
Psychiatrist: What was their diagnosis?
Me: ᵐᵘˡᵗⁱᵖˡᵉ ᵖᵉʳˢᵒⁿᵃˡⁱᵗʸ ᵈⁱˢᵒʳᵈᵉʳ
Psychiatrist: Excuse me?
Me: HE SAID MULTIPLE PERSONALITY DISORDER.
DEVIL: And this is the lake of lava that you’ll be spending eternity in.
ME: Actually we’re underground so it would be magma.
DEVIL: This is why you’re here you realise.
I just want everyone to know my daughter is a monster. She is dipping french fries in honey mustard. I have failed as a mother.
It is amazing how trim porn actresses stay with all the pizza they order.
Them: The tequila made me do it.
Me: The tequila helped me do it.We are not the same.
Got an email from my kid’s teacher that instead of working on her social studies project, she spent the entire class period making a PowerPoint about goats. Apparently, the appropriate response was not, “oh cool, was it any good?”
sometimes I throw random produce into my basket at the grocery store so I don’t look like an 8 year old who just got an advance on their allowance
My friend tripped and fell, ran into a tree and broke her nose on her morning run this morning. I reminded her, I maybe got a little out of breath, but didn’t hurt anything eating cheesecake in bed.
Please stop saying that a problem is a “real pickle.” Pickles are delicious, store well, and have zero calories. You are a problem. Pickles are fine.
Our family rule is that if the kid’s costume costs more than $50, they have to wear it to school at least four times after Halloween.
I can’t believe they have an entire Clinic just for studying Mayo.
When I get off this leash it’s over for you birches
-my dog
My nutritionist told me wine doesn’t count as a fruit source so now I need to find a different nutritionist.
jack knew rose for 2 days and died for her. i was with my ex for 3 years and wouldn’t loan him 5 bucks.
All I’m saying is if you’ve ever seen me put patio furniture covers on, you’d NEVER ask me to put a condom on.
“Yes officer, *rolling eyes* I know what a traffic light is I passed the captcha test on three tries.”
The coolest feature of being over age 40 is now when I get a pimple it only takes 14 months to go away.
I want Rebecca Black to make a music video for every day of the week!
Said by nobody.
Ever.
SON: Dad, can you call me an uber?
ME: You’re an uber!
SON: No, with your phone
ME: Oh, sorry [types]
SON: [gets text] “You’re an uber!”
Alcohol: You know Kung Fu and you’re not afraid to use it
Brain: This makes sense right now
Body: We’re on board
Pavement: Come at me bro
Can I come inside the house?
Me: No
Why do you treat me like a doormat?
Me: You ARE a doormat
Doormat: Wow, the truth finally comes out!
Ugh
me at 20: i’ll do anything.
me at 46: this drive thru has too tight of a turn radius.
It’s all about how much devastation you can leave in your wake.
-kids
If you find your cat reading a book titled “To Serve Man,” I’m just going to warn you right now, those are recipes. Cats aren’t servants.
my recent google searches:
— how to colour your own hair
— how to fix a bad dye job
— Wigs By Tiffani
— hats
— making the most of your time in isolation
“wya?” my limit bro. i’m at my limit
Sorry I was late, couldn’t stop spelling banana.