Q: Why did Snape stand in the middle of the road? A: So you’ll never know which side he’s on.
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Pspspspsps works on people too, not just cats
“Whatcha doin’, Phil?”
“Some guy on the internet says he’ll pay fifty bucks a pop for beaver shots.”
everyone: IT WAS COLD OUT THIS MORNING BUT NOW ITS WARM! WHATEVER SHALL WE DO?
me: finally *slowly unzipping my khakis at the knee so they become shorts* now is my time to shine
When I go on a successful first date I always ask to go back to her place not cuz I wanna have sex but to see if she buried the guy before me in her yard
*ransom note on gun*
[1 million dollars by Friday or I shoot your daughter. No exceptions]
[ps please mail gun back it’s my only one]
I think I could be a pretty good boxer as long as the other guy isn’t allowed to hit me.
I ran over someone and now there’s a bunch of flowers where it happened. It’s like, I came back to apologize, not be lavished with gifts
I banged my toe really hard on the sofa, and now it won’t stop texting me.
6 year old: Hey mommy, did you know you can go to jail for making copies??
Me: copies of what?
6 year old: money
– kidsplaining counterfeiting
How about if you write in an opposite journal?
Write what you DIDN’T do.
Day 1: definitely didn’t kill anyone today
[1983]
FRIEND: Let’s play monsters! I’ll be a werewolf, and you lock me in the closet because it’s a full moon. Don’t let me out!
ME: Hahaha, cool!
[just now]
ME: OH SHIT BILLY
[taking communion at church]
I’m a recovering alcoholic do you have any actual blood?
I don’t care how bad it looks in the casket I want to pay the boatman with fettuccine alfredo
Please sign my petition to get my husband off the couch
Her: you know what really makes my mouth water?
Me *slowly closes the menu* salivary glands
wtf is an acronym
DR: You get a burning sensation when you pee?
ME: Especially when it gets in my eyes
DR: That’s not right
ME: I know that’s why I’m here
14 Valentine’s Day jokes that laugh in the face of Cupid
Chivalry isn’t dead. He’s just sleeping. Right, chivalry? CHIVALRY!?
A watched pot never boils. The same is also true if you forget to turn the burner on apparently.
Stop cleaning your house for me so I can stop cleaning mine for you
It’s important for me to teach my kids to be independent & self-reliant, cause I won’t be around forever, especially if I win the lottery.
My wife got four more Christmas presents for the dog than she did for me.
A bird laments over the corpse of its fallen comrade. “Tern down. For what?”
It’s the man who is supposed to be getting up to make the coffee in the morning. It’s even in the Bible under “Hebrews.”
I take great pride in the fact that I have told you “the stupidest thing you’ve ever heard” in more than one argument
[job interview]
Boss: What’s this 3 year gap in your résumé?
Me: I believe the explanation is clear.
B: It just says “ninja-ing.” I don’t underst—
*I have disappeared*
B: Oh man. *looking around* You’re hired.
[From ceiling]
M: I accept.
I wonder if Mariah Carey knows it’s possible to sing a high note without pointing her finger in the air?
*texts son “dont say me” as wife heads to his bedroom*
wife to son: why did you put next years date on your science paper about time travel?
Me: Where’s the remote?
Toddler: I didn’t eat it!