Yoda telling a girl she can join the school marching band
March, April May
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Here’s a step by step guide to staircases
*gives you a handrail*
I’m just gonna put an egg under my kid’s pillows and tell them the Easter Bunny and Tooth Fairy must’ve went out drinking the night before.
*aggressively waits in line*
I said it out loud and I can’t stop giggling lmao
Surprised my wife with a paper airplane her reaction proves that women don’t care about origami
Judge: Ms Spears, how do you plea?
“I’m not. that. innocent.”
*frustrated defense counsel tosses like 9000 papers in the air*
herekittykittykittykitty
– me stoned about to lose a hand to a raccoon
#If #I’m #not #following #you #back #this #might #be #the #reason.
Valentine’s day is just about a month away so if you’re in love with me, now would be the time to speak up.
co-worker: congratulations on getting engaged, do you have a date for the wedding?
me [an idiot]: yes my fiancee.
Me: *gets up to go pee*
My dog: *snaps awake from a dead sleep* FOLLOW YOU INTO THE BATHROOM & KEEP WATCH, GOT IT!
12yo: can I play video games?
Me: no, come chat with me
12yo: ok what’s corp? The boys were talking about “corn with a p” at school
Me: go play video games
Me: You don’t have to tell me twice.
Narrator: 38 times. You have to tell her 38 times.
Not to brag, but according to my husband I can help with any home improvement project by getting the hell out of the way.
Me and my mates are in a band called duvet.
We’re a cover band
When I experience symptoms of dehydration, I quickly eat some slabs of cream cheese to rule out if I’m just thirsty for cheese.
People need to quit hating on women that breastfeed in public. I’m allowed to raise my cat however I want.
If you encounter a bear DON’T RUN. Maintain eye contact. Keep maintaining it. Fall in love. Marry the bear. Tell story to your grandbearbies
I just wrote a $1500 check for a cow, like some kind of 1930s housewife.
VIDEO: Multiple raccoons take over the library at Arkansas State »
Me [being murdered in my home]:
“Can you take your shoes off?”
Lost my car keys so I’m forcing the guy at Home Depot to make me new ones based on what I remember about them.
Most things in life aren’t free. HOWEVER if you run fast enough, they are.
My favorite thing to do in cities is walk down busy sidewalks, pass by people, and say into my phone “Target is on the move.”
Alfijnbahkfnbsbbakrbbjdnebzk hzueonyvag macarena yrvixndvwhkga ndhwkdbcbe hayvektoubabrjnahor
HEYYYY MACARENA
Elmer Fudd married Bugs Bunny. Twice. I think they had a better shot than you.
– me as a marriage counselor
sure sex is great but have you ever pulled the pamphlet from a cassette/cd case and realized from the thickkkkkness you just scored the lyrics?
[Battleship: Guilt Edition]
Friend: B6
Me: You sunk my Battleship
Friend: Hah yes!
Me: But 70 people were on the ship. They had children
when i donate my body to science, they’ll be like ok do we have any other options?
“People are acting crazy” says the interviewed shopper with the shopping cart piled high.