Sorry I wrote “harvest organs” on your chart when I visited you in the hospital.
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Overheard:
“Why is this guy listening to our conversation?”
Only 10 more days til Halloween!
8 PM- “Tomorrow, when I wake up, I’m going to make an actual breakfast with eggs, toast, bacon, & hash browns”
8 AM- *grabs cold pizza from the fridge*
so it’s mythic and sexy when sirens lead men to their deaths at sea with song, but when I do it, it’s all “how did you even do that” and “what the hell”
One of my new rescue dogs is really into laying on the couch and watching FRIENDS.
I think he’s my soulmate.
[girl texting me] you left a sprite in my fridge
[CUT TO] Me, crossing step one off of my “secretly move in with her” plan
I hope when I inevitably choke to death on gummy bears people just say I was killed by bears and leave it at that.
Colleagues confronted me about my terrible similes. Like crows trapped in a Smucker’s jar, I’d have to murder my way out of yet another jam.
Me handing covered dish to hostess: sorry I’m late I got sidetracked
Her: our cookout was 2 weeks ago
me: what’s the best way to get healthy?
doctor: diet and exercise
me: what’s the next best?
WIFE: if you misinterpret one more thing I say, I’m leaving
ME: please don’t, I promise I’ll change
WIFE: ok you’ve got a week
ME: [crying] a weak what?
dads when they smell someone in the neighborhood grillin’
Slugs are obviously snails that have been through a divorce.
i feel like if the avengers were real we’d really really hate them
thought I was all good when my doctor said i was healthy as a horse; turns out he was referring to one specific horse, ‘Sick Matthew’
I wish I was as optimistic as the wives that believe they can change their husbands into the men they thought they married.
“of course i’ve had a girlfriend before you guys. i know what i’m doing!!” *types “what do girlfriends eat” into google*
[the invention of tennis]
“I don’t want this ball.”
“Well, I don’t want it either.”
Dress for the job you want, not the job you have. Better yet, dress for jobs that don’t even exist. Werewolf psychiatrist. Clown assassin.
Pavlov’s dog but it’s me reaching in the backseat for trash every time my kid says “MOM!”
Add mushrooms to any salad for that farm fresh taste of dirt.
St. Patrick drove all the snakes out of Ireland. They gave him a great Uber rating.
What’s the etiquette for showing up to a party you weren’t invited to? Should I bring dip or??
Find someone who looks at you like Roger looks at a barbecue.
I don’t need a home security system for my safety because as soon as someone breaks in and hears me moaning in the hallway from falling out of the bed, they’ll just turn around a leave.
[airport]
SON: can i yell bomb?
DAD: no.
SON: hijack?
DAD: nope.
SON: how about shitballer?
DAD: uh yeah i guess but please don’t.
Me: I made you a CD.
Coworker: This says songs you hate for the people you hate.
“What if we put wheels on this toilet?”
*inventor of the RV
I am absolutely no good at dumping people. I couldn’t even bring myself to switch drycleaners until my old one died…