I took someone else’s coffee at Starbucks. I’m Tiffany now
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“Doc, my boyfriend & I don’t wanna get pregnant. He hates condoms & I think the jelly isn’t working.”
“What kind are you using?”
“Grape”
My acting career began at a very early age, when my mom asked who broke the vase in the hallway.
My mom spent so much of our trip saying “your generation doesn’t read” she didn’t get to touch her book
Garbage disposals are great for redesigning silverware.
My parents were going to name me after the city I was conceived in but neither of them knew how to spell Albuquerque.
My wife put toilet paper on automatic purchase and delivery from Amazon so we never run out.
Challenge accepted!
No matter how spicy your sex life is …
If he’s a two-thymer; cumin in that
ginger Rosemary, my sage advice …would bay to leaf him.
While trying to get my toddler to sleep, I muttered “who gave you caffeine?!” She has been repeating this phrase for an hour now.
Do I write a note to the sitter explaining the situation before or after she announces that someone gave her caffeine before bed
Sure, I miss grandma. But she’s up there protecting us.
*looks up to the sky where my grandma is in a jet fighting aliens*
Hollywood led me to believe I would have to do way more heat/AC duct crawling than I’ve had to do.
Movie idea: Family moves into haunted house; ghosts appear; family too busy staring at phones to notice; ghosts leave in disgust.
Got banned from helping my granddaughter write sentences with spelling words. Apparently third graders can’t write about tequila.
Empty out and clean a mace container.
Fill with water
Stare into the eyes of your enemies as you spray your own eyes and never blink
I’m sorry your eyebrows look like two unruly caterpillars chasing each other across your forehead.
*puts down window
Officer: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: Yes
*puts up window and drives away
In a few hours, after I become a billionaire, I’m changing all the contact names in my phone to peasant.
My liver’s so black, it went to a respected college, got a great job, and made it’s family very proud.
Weren’t expecting that, huh?
Racist.
Clearly I have no shame but thanks for asking. You must be new here.
Nothing is quite as scary as hearing your doorbell ring on the same night you made a blood sacrifice to the dark lord.
You’re going to have to be just a tiny bit more specific for me, bud
People who like green: it’s a good color
People who like orange: it’s a good color
People who like purple: Purple is my life. I dress purple, I glow purple, I eat and drink purple. If you come into my house and insult purple, I will personally tear you limb from limb
Mum was fed up of the squirrels stealing all the bird food so she greased the feeder!
Got excited because I thought my wife bought ice cream at the store.
Eye cream. It was eye cream.
nurse: height
me: 6’4″
nurse: weight
me:
nurse:
me:
nurse:
me:
nurse:
me:
nurse:
me:
nurse:
me: wait for what
They’re called violin bows not fiddle sticks.
GROUND CONTROL: Oh goddamit, it looks like Major Tom is going to sing through this whole mission. Pull the circuit.
MAJOR TOM: 🎶 the circuit’s dead, there’s something wrong
“Write this down.”
[Moses grabs tablet]
“Thou shalt not steal [raises eyebrow] where did you get that tablet from?”
Me: I just played the “poop in a bag” trick on our neighbor
Wife: Haha! Where’d you find the dog poop?
Me: …dog?
[sending nudes] I swear it’s not gonna be a photo of my cat
I need someone else to prevent forest fires for like 10 minutes.